Yeah I had one last night. God, I hate getting them. But that’s what happens when you have abandonment issues, a migrane, and you’re alone in your room for the first time all day.
I guess I can pinpoint the start of my anxieties back to when I first said goodbye to Bobby back in September. I had a mini attack that first night where I hyperventilated but no tears were shed. Then when my friend, M, left for college two days before my birthday I cried, but thankfully not too much. The rest of first semester I pretty much kept it under control. I was busy (which helped enormously) and I don’t think I let myself feel any longing toward anyone. Instead, I focused on me. Which is great!
So far, it’s been much harder saying goodbye to people this time. Having Bobby leave again was traumatic. I’m not going to lie. I can’t watch the news. I loose it when people start talking about wars or terrorism. I feel like I can’t breathe at night if I’m alone. Saying goodbye to E and C was much harder this time too. I think because I knew what was coming. The eminent onset of lonliness I was going to feel and that’s all I can feel now.
And it isn’t like the walls are closing in and I feel like I’m suffocating like many would describe their attacks. It’s more like I can feel the empty space around me in everything. Nothing filling in that air left between those vibrating atoms that keep my bed and my walls and me together. I can feel the cold stagnant air and the silence that shakes it and I can’t feel the laughter and warmth and comfort that my friends bring that space. I can’t and that’s when I loose it.
I don’t know why I react in this way and I don’t know why I can’t just act like a normal human being and miss my friends in a healthy, normal way. And I’m so frustrated by it. I hate how much my heart hurts. And I love my friends. And I just miss them.
Hey guys, listen, I love this site a lot, but I’m currently writing this at 11:03 pm on Saturday and I’m pretty freaking positive that the time stamp that will appear on my blog will state that I posted this on Sunday. I live in PST so if somehow you could adjust the time zone for my blog or tell me how to fix it I’d really appreciate it. Or, No One, if you know how to fix it please tell me how and I will love you forever!
P.S. I’ll update you in the morning about the goings ons of today, don’t worry! 🙂
Recently, I gave my novel to a professor who I admire very much so that he could read it over and give me feedback. When he finally did, the feedback was well in quantity and at first had me very beaten down, No One. If you’ve been here since then, then you know what I mean. If you are newer, here is a link to that blogpost ( https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2014/10/17/critiques/ ). I’ve learned a lot about myself and being a writer through this one review of my novel and it has really helped me progress in my novel.
Now I wanted to show you guys how I took his advice and ran with it. Come along with me! 😀
Critique 1: A lot of my characters are stereotypical and lacking depth.
How I Fixed It: I’ve examined the gender roles and stereotypes that I (and society) had originally allocated to each character and broke them down. Deciding which trait or characteristics I would and WHY. Everything about each character now serves a purpose.
Critique 2: Well, of course she ends up with him. It’s a bit too obvious.
How I Fixed It: (trying not to give anything away, mind you) She doesn’t end up with him even though it looks that way because of her newly developed ande defined characteristic that span across both stereotypical male and female stereotypes.
Critique 3: This certain name means something entirely different from what I think you want it to mean.
How I Fixed It: Spent many hours of babynames.com and found a far better name.
Critique 4: You haven’t gotten to the main plot line in under 50 pages.
How I Fixed It: (still working on this one, but) Deleted a whole chapter and wove what that one chapter was trying to do and say into a few paragraphs in the next chapter.
So there. I did a thing, got critiqued on the thing, then fixed the thing. Obviously this is just the second version of HALF of a novel so I still have a far way to go and much to learn, but I thought I should share what I’ve learned thus far with you all.
This is a spoken word poem that I wrote today. Please don’t steal it or I will be upset because this is my life and my work and I will cut a bitch. Thanks. Here’s the poem:
That one week in paradise
I saw the sun shine for the first time
In months, with you.
We met in a flash of spontaneity
And I couldn’t resist
So that night I just kissed you.
My mind confused and in awe
You tasted like the vodka we’d been drinking all night
Your hands held my face and you were all I was thinking about in that one moment.
And that first night, we just kissed
That’s all I wanted. All I needed
To make me fall for you.
The days that followed were
Bright and laughter filled
We spent our one week in paradise together
Inseparable, infatuated, in love.
Your sweet laugh warmed my soul
My adventurous side showed us the world
We hardly knew each other,
But I felt like I’d known you my whole life.
When the week finally ended and our time in paradise was up
You kissed me just like that first time.
Drunken with love and happy and wanting to just keep kissing me forever.
Tears fell down my face and you laughed and kissed them away.
You held me tight in your arms one last time and
Then you let me go
Onto my next adventure and I let you go to yours.
Always remembering us and our little haven of joy
Remembering your beautiful blue eyes and how they looked at me
Remembering how you told me to smile and
Remembering how I couldn’t stop smiling when I was with you
Remembering how we learned to live in the moment together
Remembering how we were free to be who we wanted to be with each other so we were the who we always wanted to be
Remembering how different we once were but how much of the same person we are
Remembering how you told me about your pain and
Remembering how you helped me deal with mine
Remembering how you told me that it was okay to love again
Even if it was just for a week
A week in paradise.
That was the poem. I hope you liked it. Please leave any comments or suggestions or whatever in the comments and I love you very much.
Midterms are coming up and I’m really starting to feel something that i’ve felt toward school before.
I’ve noticed, at least for my HIST101 class, that I’ve been really neglecting my studies toward the course. Which leads me to the only logical thought that must come next, “Well shit.”
I have no idea how I’m going to be able to study for such an intensive class in such a short amount of time when I have so many other things I have to do and must take care of. I mean like tonight I have this really cool game night that I want to go to with my new youth group. Tomorrow, I’m going to the PALOMA FAITH CONCERT THAT I WON TICKETS TOO. OMFG. And then I also have to finish reading a book for my RWS 200 class, write a new short story for my ENGL280, do about thirty pages of reading for my ASTR101 class, and work on my final project for my WNST101 class! My fucking Zod, that’s a lot of shit I have to do.
I’m slowly starting to tackle everything though. I read some the assigned reading for my RWS 200 class. I started the format and outline for my WMNST101 project. I know what I’m going to wear for the Paloma concert (which is a huge deal and yes does take a long time to figure out so shut up).
I’m afraid I’m not sure what I want to write about though for my ENGL280 course so if you have any suggestions or ideas, No One, please send them my way. And I really should do that reading for my ASTR101 class, but honestly I think I’ll have to dedicate all of Sunday to studying for this midterm.
Well, now that I’ve told someone what I have to do, hopefully I’ll take care to actually do it.
I am happy, No One. Without reason and at absurd moments, but I am. I’m sure now is one of those highs in my life or the calm before the storm sort of thing, but things are just really nice. I am very happy camper. I have so many great friends who love and care about me an awful lot. My family and I don’t want to tear each others’ heads off which is pretty fucking great. School is challenging, but in a good, healthy way. I’d be rather upset if college was boring and wasn’t stimulating. I’m busy enough that I can’t complain, but I still have plenty of me time that I do find absolutely necessary to my sanity. Some may call that “high maintenence,” but i call it taking care of me. To quote RuPaul, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Whenever I feel like I’m too stressed out about friends or I feel like i’m not giving myself enough attention, that quote becomes my motherfucking mantra. I gotta love me, I gotta love me. Love is a given and shared thing. I have to give myself love and let others love me, so I can share and spread that same love.
But, Hope, how do you love yourself? What does “me time” entail?
Well, No One, I’ll make a nice list for you of my easy tips for keeping myself happy:
- Take care of your physical body- this can be as little as drinking a few glasses of water before bed or as dramatic as giving yourself a facial at the end of a long day (one of my personal favorites). Things like this can change how your body feels and how you feel about your body. No one is perfect and we can all do with a little improving and you totally should be proud of how you look, but don’t let your pride get in the way of progress and growing into an even more beautiful person.
- Take a break- this one is super hard for me to do, but give yourself like twenty minutes, an hour, maybe two hours! just completely unplugged. Don’t check your texts, don’t go any social media. You can listen to some music, but don’t be afraid to be alone with your thoughts. Your mind is a beautiful vortex of creativity and imagination! Explore it!
- Look in the mirror- now you can take this one literally or figuratively. Literally, look at yourself and I personally dare you to find three beautiful things about your appearance if that is what you are struggling with. Then focus on those things super hard so you can’t even think about the other things that you might not like so much. Figuratively, step back and reflect on your personality. Why are people drawn to you? What part of your personality makes you the proudest? How in the fuck did you get this awesome? Realize for the first time in your life that you, me, and everything around us is made up of old blown up stars from billions of years ago and realize how incredibly special and unique you are. Cuz you are. And that’s literally a scientific fact.
- Do things that make you happy- for me, this one is blogging. Or vlogging. Or drinking tea. Or curling up with my laptop and watching some Supernatural. Find out what makes you happy. When do you find yourself just smiling because you are content? Find that time or that place or that thing and do the living shit out of it.
- Don’t be afraid to let yourself feel- Have you ever known someone who was holding back tears and because you cared about them, all you wanted was for them to cry and to get it out in the open so you could talk? I known I’ve had this happen a couple times, and just like you want your friend to cry so they can be free, you have to let yourself be free. Cry if you have to, everyone cries and if someone has put the idea in your mind that crying is weak then they don’t know what they’re talking about. As someone who has cried in front of literally hundreds of people (see picture below of me at graduation), letting myself feel and be in the moment has always benefitted me. Let yourself feel those emotions and then comfort yourself. Yeah, you can do that shit too.
- Understand that this is the life you’ve been given- appreciate it. We only get one shot here on Earth and we shouldn’t be wasting it being upset over that shitty person from ENGL280. Look at your surroundings and I mean really LOOK. Find something beautiful in something that you pass by everyday. Now repeat.
These are kind of my remedies. i hope you find them helpful, No One. I love you and I just want you to be happy.