Well, No One, I think I might have over done it.
I’ve spent way more money than I’d like to admit today. Sure I spent it all on really good things that I’ve wanted for perhaps a very long time, but still. Holy fuck I feel guilty. I don’t think I’ll be buying anything for the next week. Maybe Starbucks, if I’m a good girl.
I will admit it feels good to check things off of my “Monetary Wants” list that I’ve had for many months now.
But I did have some impulse purchases today and that’s what makes me upset. I hope I don’t do that again and that I can focus on checking things off of my list.
But I think the real reason I am really upset this evening is because of one of the things I’ve been trying to check off of my list. Buying poster frames for my Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 poster and my Paloma Faith poster.
I went to Michael’s and saw they were having a sale right in front on poster frames and I got so excited that they had poster frames in black (what I wanted) and that they were on sale, so I just grabbed them and bought them.
I then went and walked around the next store and thought about my previous purchase, realizing that I’d gotten the wrong size and that while the frame was black, it was wood painted black and all of my other black frames that I have at home are rounded, plastic in black. So I went back to Michael’s and returned the two frames from before and got the right frames which were also $20 less. Awesome right?
Not entirely. While they were $20 less, the cashier and I somehow got confused and she gave me a “return” card which is like a gift card, instead of giving the $20 back to me.
So I thought about it after I’d left and realized, well shit man I want my fucking $20. So after work and my lesson with my vocal coach, I went BACK to Michael’s and fixed things with one of the managers, which took a while, but in the end was worth it, because I got my $20 back (which I promptly went and spent at Guitar Center on a pair of really nice shakers for A’s and I’s band).
Flash forward to a half hour ago, and I just got home from a long day and I was like oh man! I got these awesome new frames and I still have a lot of energy let’s just put my posters in their frames! So I grab my Paloma poster and its frame. Release the frame from its plastic wrap and THUNK. The corner of the frame is broken.
So it looks like I’m going to have to go BACK to Michael’s a fourth fucking time to return the busted frame. Hopefully they’ll let me return it.
So you see, No One, it’s just been a series of regretful, unfortunate occurrences happening today and now I am very tired and frustrated. I think I’m going to go to bed. I love you very much, thanks for all of your love over my poem. Appreciate it ❤
Yeah I had one last night. God, I hate getting them. But that’s what happens when you have abandonment issues, a migrane, and you’re alone in your room for the first time all day.
I guess I can pinpoint the start of my anxieties back to when I first said goodbye to Bobby back in September. I had a mini attack that first night where I hyperventilated but no tears were shed. Then when my friend, M, left for college two days before my birthday I cried, but thankfully not too much. The rest of first semester I pretty much kept it under control. I was busy (which helped enormously) and I don’t think I let myself feel any longing toward anyone. Instead, I focused on me. Which is great!
So far, it’s been much harder saying goodbye to people this time. Having Bobby leave again was traumatic. I’m not going to lie. I can’t watch the news. I loose it when people start talking about wars or terrorism. I feel like I can’t breathe at night if I’m alone. Saying goodbye to E and C was much harder this time too. I think because I knew what was coming. The eminent onset of lonliness I was going to feel and that’s all I can feel now.
And it isn’t like the walls are closing in and I feel like I’m suffocating like many would describe their attacks. It’s more like I can feel the empty space around me in everything. Nothing filling in that air left between those vibrating atoms that keep my bed and my walls and me together. I can feel the cold stagnant air and the silence that shakes it and I can’t feel the laughter and warmth and comfort that my friends bring that space. I can’t and that’s when I loose it.
I don’t know why I react in this way and I don’t know why I can’t just act like a normal human being and miss my friends in a healthy, normal way. And I’m so frustrated by it. I hate how much my heart hurts. And I love my friends. And I just miss them.
I can hardly breathe.
My lungs feel like they’re collapsing in on themselves
I hate the feeling.
I can hardly think
My thoughts focusing and refocusing on your absence
Like the focus of a camera
I miss your presence.
I can hardly see
Through the tears that well up in my eyes
As my heart is ripped apart from itself.
I can’t do this.
But you’re leaving.
All of you.
You’re all leaving
Don’t go, I don’t know
When I’ll see you again
If I’ll see you again
Looking the way you do
Full of life and a fire behind those eyes.
Don’t leave me
I can’t do this again.
And you’re gone.
And I’m here.
Crying over the people I love
Hating them for making me so
P.S. This is a very personal topic for me and it’s a very rough piece, but I’d appreciate some gentle critiques if any of you are willing to leave them. Thank you for reading this and I hope you aren’t judging me too harshly. It’s just been rough since Bobby left.
What in the actual fuck, I hit 75 followers today while I was out gambling my money away? Thank you, No One, that’s really cool that 75 of you are following my life with me. I really appreciate it. When I first decided to come back to this blog in May, I just wanted somewhere to write and rant about my problems and I never thought that people would actually want to read it. So thanks for reading and stay awesome as usual, my friends. If we ever get to 100, I’m entirely sure what I’ll do but I’m sure it’ll probably involve a heart attack and tears.
So I’m guessing by the unusual amount of likes on my last post, that you all enjoy writing tips. Well that’s cool. I have a couple. Maybe I’ll share them with you another day, but today I’m gonna complain.
Yesterday I got back my novel from a professor who I gave it to so I could get some advice and I sure got a lot of advice.
It wasn’t like intentionally hurtful and I definitely can see where he is coming from with all of his critiques but God damn did that shit hurt and kinda embarrass me as we went over it together. It’s like being told the sixty pages of my FUCKING SOUL needed a lot of work because let’s face it they aren’t that great. I mean I have a great idea and I’m good with words, but the pacing and the characters and what is going on is too slow, too many, and too much.
And being told that hurts. It embarrasses me that this amazing man took time out of his schedule to be kinda brought down.
But you know what?
I needed it. I needed to be corrected. I needed to know what was wrong. I needed to know how to fix it. I needed him to kind of slap me in the gentle way that he did.
So I’m going to be extremely busy writing and rewriting my novel for the next week or so. I don’t know how much time I’m going to have for anything but fixing it and homework. So I’m sorry if I fail to post anything of value. I’ll probably be adding a short story to my new SHORT STORY PAGEEE so look out for that tomorrow or Saturday. And yeah.
Thank you guys so much for support. I know you’re a small community, but if you could send some positive vibes, prayers, hymns, dances, or whatever my way I’d really appreciate it.