Monthly Archives: October 2014
So guess what? IT’S HALLOWEEN. As if you didn’t already know that from social media and well your general calender.
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, if not my favorite.
I love the spookiness of it all, the little kids running around being their dreams, the color scheme of black and orange and pinstrips, the chill in the air.
Halloween is one of the few days that everyone and I mean EVERYONE gets to cosplay as the person or character they love.
Right now I’m not elegantly dressed up because, yes, I didn’t want to be looked at funny at school. There’s a large chunk of people dressed up today at SDSU, but just not enough to make me feel comfortable. However, I am dressed in Halloween-y attire. As in, I’m wearing one of my favorite little black dresses, sparkly ballet flats, black and white pinstrip bow, and a bright orange jacket. I’m one of those professional Halloween-ers.
Tonight I am going to two Halloween parties and I’m going as a twenties flapper (BECAUSE FEMINISM) and I can’t tell you how fucking pumped I am for that.
And goddammit I feel pretty damn cute right now too which makes me also excited and happy and just AGH HALLOWEEN!
I sincerely hope your Halloween is going well and if it is not I’m going to leave my favorite Halloween/ spooky movies below for you to enjoy and get you feeling more Halloween-y.
- Rocky Horror Picture Show (definitely if you’re into being confused, delighted, and sung to)
- Nightmare Before Christmas (because everyone needs more Jack Skellington)
- Hocus Pocus (it’s a classic so don’t even)
- Halloween Town (throwback to classic Disney live action movies)
- It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (I mean, really)
- Poltergeist (supa scawy)
All it’s time to get real, No One. I haven’t been feeling great lately. Not like ill or anything just not as fit as I once was. Which is absolutely ridiculous because I’m still the same weight that I’ve been for months which is a perfectly healthy, normal weight. But I can’t help what I think, so don’t hate me.
So today, I’m walking to class. Not feeling great, but not necessairly feeling bad either. Just trying to go to class and get shit done. But I’m walking by some dorms and I see one of my friends from high school who lives at the dorms, is a complete sweet heart, but I never really get to talk to him because we’re both so busy. But he sees me and he gives me the biggest fucking smile in the world and his eyes light up and I smile back, happy to see him, and he runs toward me away from his frat brothers.
“Hope!!!” he yells and he ducks down and hugs me around the waist and PICKS ME UP.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been picked up mid-hug, No One, but it makes you feel so loved and light especially when the person giving you the hug is saying in your ear, “Oh my God, I haven’t seen you in forever!”
Now he sets me back down and is just smiling and he starts walking with me in the direction that I was going and asks me a couple questions before he goes back to his brothers.
I guess it just kinda made my morning in a wonderfully up beat and happy way. I love this cracker so much and when he did that it reminded me of how normal my weight is and when all of his friends were looking at me (kinda jealous that he knew me and they didn’t) I felt special and well sexy. Sexy for the first time in a while.
So shout out to my home boy for being a homie.
This is a spoken word poem that I wrote today. Please don’t steal it or I will be upset because this is my life and my work and I will cut a bitch. Thanks. Here’s the poem:
That one week in paradise
I saw the sun shine for the first time
In months, with you.
We met in a flash of spontaneity
And I couldn’t resist
So that night I just kissed you.
My mind confused and in awe
You tasted like the vodka we’d been drinking all night
Your hands held my face and you were all I was thinking about in that one moment.
And that first night, we just kissed
That’s all I wanted. All I needed
To make me fall for you.
The days that followed were
Bright and laughter filled
We spent our one week in paradise together
Inseparable, infatuated, in love.
Your sweet laugh warmed my soul
My adventurous side showed us the world
We hardly knew each other,
But I felt like I’d known you my whole life.
When the week finally ended and our time in paradise was up
You kissed me just like that first time.
Drunken with love and happy and wanting to just keep kissing me forever.
Tears fell down my face and you laughed and kissed them away.
You held me tight in your arms one last time and
Then you let me go
Onto my next adventure and I let you go to yours.
Always remembering us and our little haven of joy
Remembering your beautiful blue eyes and how they looked at me
Remembering how you told me to smile and
Remembering how I couldn’t stop smiling when I was with you
Remembering how we learned to live in the moment together
Remembering how we were free to be who we wanted to be with each other so we were the who we always wanted to be
Remembering how different we once were but how much of the same person we are
Remembering how you told me about your pain and
Remembering how you helped me deal with mine
Remembering how you told me that it was okay to love again
Even if it was just for a week
A week in paradise.
That was the poem. I hope you liked it. Please leave any comments or suggestions or whatever in the comments and I love you very much.
Did that really just happen?
Have I actually understood?
This weird quirk I’ve tried to suppress or hide is wrthy of friendship that could help me get into frat parties?
If I’m not good 😉
Yeah, I just wrote a mini parody of the Wizard and I from Wicked to describe what just happened to me. Like whaaat.
This chick next to me in my HIST101 class and I have been talking for a while and honestly I’m just nice and ask her about her day or week or weekend and she asks me about mine and it’s all really nice. Then when class starts I sit on Tumblr and she pays attention.
Well today, we repeated our ritual and we talked before class and were silent during class, save she gave me a piece of gum just for funzies. But when class ended, we stood and I started packing all of my shit up and she says that if I want we should text sometime and hang out and that she “could get [me] into some great parties.”
I had to contain my excitement over the invitation and just the general niceness of her!
Now I’m sitting next to another really sweet girl from another class and we’re just talking and bonding and I THINK I’M MAKING FRIENDS AND YAY. OKAY BYE.
I’m just gonna say it, I feel like a hottie today.
My hair is done in my favorite bad ass style.
My eyeliner is on FUCKING POINT.
My combat boots are dirty and bad looking.
I woke up on time.
All of my homework is done.
I just feel fucking great and happy with myself. Not to say I don’t always feel great about myself, but today especially 🙂
P.S. I’ll post an accompanying picture in a little bit 😉
Trying new things doesn’t always work out for me. Some times it does! But sometimes it really doesn’t.
For example, this morning I was a half hour early to class so I decided, “Hey! I’m going to find a new way to class today and change up my routine!”
Mind you my morning walk to all of my class is pretty much ten minutes long, so not bad at all!
So today, I just start walking. I follow the flow of people from the parking structure and just keep walking, looking around and enjoying the new sights. This part of the walk was great!
When I realized that I actually had no fucking idea where I was in relation to my building, that part wasn’t great.
I wandered around looking too lost for halfway through the semester until I hit the back side of a building I actually recognized. I then clung to that building and found my class. With ten minutes to spare.
It was just more annoying and embarassing than anything and while I did enjoy seeing the new buildings and looking at the new people, I wish I hadn’t. Because now I’m sitting in my class, with not nearly as much time as I’m used to and I’m hot from walking around for ten extra minutes and flushed/ red because I can’t help but flashing back to everyone’s confused/ worried/ annoyed expressions as I tried desperately to wander in the right direction.
I have so many papers due this week and fingers have just been flying across my keyboard all day.
I have literally been at the same coffee shop for five hours and I’ve finished one paper, half way through my second, and I’ve finished taking notes on a novel.
All the meanwhile I’ve been uploading a daily vlog that I filmed the other day and drinking coffee and tea.
I’m so tired but I’m so fucking proud of myself for getting so much done.
Peace out, No One, once I’m done with this, I’m going home for some much needed dinner and finger rest.
I did a thing, No One. Here is my thing.
Did you guess the thing? No? Here is another hint.
If you haven’t guess it by now, I’m going to tell you.
I have dyed my hair, No One.
For the first time ever, I’m a brunette and HOLY FLYING FUCK IS IT GREAT.
Can I tell you a story? I’m going to tell you a story.
Long, long ago, back in January, I was in a relationship. This guy was not the best. But hey, guess what? He was my first boyfriend and I thought I loved him (I’m now convinced that I didn’t know what love was). So everything in my life, revolved around his approval, like the good gender stereotype that I fit into.
But one day, I ask myself, “Oh wow, Hope, wouldn’t you look great with darker hair?” to which I replied, “Fuck yeah, I’d look great with dark hair. Oh man, I want to dye my hair!”
Now, I’ve dyed my hair in the past. I’m a natural dirty blonde so I’ve done some lemon juice recipes to give myself some highlights and I was a redhead during the second semester of junior year and I’ve even attempted to dye my hair purple (it failed, but I tried). So you see, I’m clearly the adventurous type.
But at that point in the relationship, I ran everything by this cracker, so one day, I’m texting him and I say, “You know, babe, I’ve been thinking about dyeing my hair darker and chopping it off. Maybe brown or black. What would you do?”
To which he replied, “Probably break up with you… Don’t dye or cut your hair.”
Not wanting to be broken up with, I agreed to not dye my hair and not to cut it.
Flas forward a few months and he and I have broken up cuz one day I finally realized how bad the relationship was. One of the first things I do is start thinking about dyeing my hair.
I still wanted to! And now nothing was holding me back!
Thank the Lord, my best friend, A, talked me off of that ledge. She told me that while yes I’d look great with darker hair, you should never do something to spite someone else and you should never undergo a dramatic change during an emotional time period. Plus I had senior pictures coming up and prom and what if it didn’t look right and and and- so I agreed to wait.
Now to July. I got my senior photo with my long, crazy, out of control blonde hair. I went to prom with my long blonde locks falling down my back. My blonde hair was a mane coming out of my graduation cap at graduation. Now, I had no excuses to put it off.
In fact, I was in a weird friendship/ relationship thing with this kid, Harry (see https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2014/05/12/weird-people-are-weird/ for more backstory), and I mentioned it to him. Trying to see if my long blonde hair was the ony thing guys found attractive in me. And you know what he said? “Fucking go for it if that’s what you want.”
Now shit like that is why TO THIS DAY I love Harry. He never said, “Oh yesss, you’d look so hot.” or “No, your blonde hair is your best feature” or anything like that. Harry just wanted me to be happy.
So about a week later I chopped off fourteen inches of hair and happily donated it to Locks of Love. And holy shit, I could not STOP LAUGHING while I was sitting in the hair dresser’s chair as she chopped off my hair.
I wasn’t laughing cuz I felt like I was making a mistake. I was laughing because I felt so free.
Free from that God awful relationship with that guy back in January. Free from hours upon hours of hair maintenance every fucking morning. Free from that stereotype of that happy, long blonde haired ASB president that had followed me around and upset me greatly during high school. Free from any preconceived notions that people might have had of me.
I felt whole.
Except, I never dyed it. And let’s face it, that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to be rid of those fucking stupid blonde jokes! Because let’s face it, I’M A CERTIFIED AND PROVEN GENIUS BUT EVERY DAY I GOT DUMB BLONDE JOKES.
I was fucking done with people SUGGESTING that my intelligence was based off of my hair color. And it’s not that I wanted to dissociate myself from blondes. I still identify as a blonde who just so happened to dye her hair brown for the fall and winter months.
So fuck off, and let me have my dark, short hair. And fuck off and let me do my own thing. And fuck off with your stereotypes, tropes, and hurtful conforming ways, cuz I’m fucking done with it. Consider this me putting my foot down and looking like whatever the fuck I want to look like and being whoever the fuck I am and doing whatever the fuck I want. Because this is what I want, so I’m getting it.