Not to sound pretentious, but I love mentoring. I just mentor one of my closest friends that I made in high school, my VP when I was ASB President, and we have such a deep relationship outside of that leadership role relationship where I help her with the things that I struggled with just last year.
And I love it. It’s hard, trying to advise someone on how they should tackle different situations and deal with certain people, but it’s oddly therapeutic. It forces me to go back into the deep recesses of my mind and think about who I was, what I was doing, how I could have done things better, what would be the best thing for her in her situation, and so on. And that sort of deep reflection and contemplation of my past is refreshing to do. Lately, I’ve been so focused on the here and now (WHICH IS NOT A BAD THING AT ALL) that I think sometimes I forget about looking back on the past to look for guidance and to grow from my past experiences.
When I sit down to help out this friend, I feel like I’m helping myself too. Which is a beautiful thing to be able to do and I’m so lucky that she trusts me and appreciates my help as much as she does so much that I’ve been able to form this role in her life and develop into a loving and guiding person, something I might not have not been had it not been for her and our special friendship.
If you ever get the opportunity to help someone in the way that I’m talking about, then I highly recommend you leap at the chance. It’s both a tremendous honor and something that you will not regret.
I received this notification this morning which got me thinking.
So much has changed. In a month, in several, in a year, in two years.
I’m such a different person now in days.
Two years ago, I had just joined Tangent at the will of my friend, (and at that time, love interest (though it was never returned for the better)), D. He had convinced me that I would do well in this club and honestly the first time I went, I fell in love. I’ve told the story hundreds of times now, but it’s my love story with writing and creativity.
Tangent was and is a place where the odd, miscellaneous characters of my high school went to be welcomed, loved, and encouraged. We had and have a blog on here, WordPress, where we were welcomed to post anytime with our own creativity and to encourage each other for posting and to advise each other on how to grow. I joined WordPress without thinking much of it. I was doing it for Tangent and I posted a few times on that blog. Then I didn’t use it. I got signed on to be the photography editor in chief for Tangent’s annual literary journal, I published in that same journal that year, I was elected ASB President, blah blah blah. This was in my junior year of high school. I’d like to think I grew a lot that year, but let’s face ot. I was still trying to be cool. I pretty much hid my secret of going to Tangent from ASB and the “cool” kids. Which is stupid and silly, I know, but I did.
Then came my senior year of high school. I had gotten a boyfriend who basically took up half of my time, I was ASB president, on varsity volleyball, costarring in a production of Alice in Wonderland, all while maintaining a 5.0 GPA and being an active member in Tangent and my band. As certain things began to take over my life, I developed more and more confidence in what I was doing and people started to realize, oh man. She’s kind of weird and eccentric, that’s cool. Well, most people. I was under such intense scrutiny from my peers and teachers during my senior year that I felt like I had to impress everyone. And I did. Including myself!
But when things started to change, and senior year was coming to an end and my relationship ended and we were making the last Tangent journal that I’d be in and I still felt impossibly pressured, I looked to what I was good at to give me solace.
And what am I good at you ask? Talking and being real. Any of my good friends (and I mean GOOD) could tell you that I’m not afraid to speak my mind once I’m comfortable, and I’m most comfortable when I’m writing or when I’m alone, so I started YouTube. I’d kinda watched it on the side and enjoyed people’s weekly vlogs and wanted to do it myself. So I started to. I felt like I was able to just talk. In the beginning it was hard, because I was so nervous and well YouTube is permanent and directly connected to you so I devised scripts that I spouted out in front of my iPhone. Then I decided, well fuck it. I’m still bored and I still need more creative outlets! So I want to try blogging again. I didn’t know anyone who blogged or who followed blogs, but I thought why not? I can just sit and write and cuss up a storm and I just won’t tell anyone I’m doing it. So that’s how this blog came along. I was very angry at first in those initial blogs because well, I was angry with my situation at the time.
Then I gave up XD after about a month I stopped, which really sucks and I wish I didn’t but I did so oh well.
I graduated high school
and had a weird on and off and odd thing with a boy then I went to Europe
which was amazing and enlightening and lovely where I met an amazing guy who I still talk to quite amicably, but nothing serious. Then I came home and was like shit. Now I have to go to college.
So I did. But instead of going at it alone, I wanted to bring someone or something, so I brought this blog back and I’m really proud of how consistent I’ve been with it. I’ve also been doing YouTube again after like a two month hiatus duirng June and July. I vlogged my entire trip to Europe and published it on YouTube (it’s about forty five minutes long in total but I split up all the days) and I’ve been doing vlogs here and there ever since (including a new daily vlog series that I’m starting this month which you should check out, they’re only a minute or so each and it’s cool, I promise).
Now my favorite holiday of the year is over and it’s November and the sky is graying and the wind is cold and I am so fucking happy, No One. I’m happy about who I’ve become and my journey to how I’ve gotten here. There’s been a lot of rough stuff, don’t get me wrong, but it’s made me who I am today and let’s face it.
I love me.
Happy anniversary, WordPress. Here’s to another two years of growth and change.
This is a spoken word poem that I wrote today. Please don’t steal it or I will be upset because this is my life and my work and I will cut a bitch. Thanks. Here’s the poem:
That one week in paradise
I saw the sun shine for the first time
In months, with you.
We met in a flash of spontaneity
And I couldn’t resist
So that night I just kissed you.
My mind confused and in awe
You tasted like the vodka we’d been drinking all night
Your hands held my face and you were all I was thinking about in that one moment.
And that first night, we just kissed
That’s all I wanted. All I needed
To make me fall for you.
The days that followed were
Bright and laughter filled
We spent our one week in paradise together
Inseparable, infatuated, in love.
Your sweet laugh warmed my soul
My adventurous side showed us the world
We hardly knew each other,
But I felt like I’d known you my whole life.
When the week finally ended and our time in paradise was up
You kissed me just like that first time.
Drunken with love and happy and wanting to just keep kissing me forever.
Tears fell down my face and you laughed and kissed them away.
You held me tight in your arms one last time and
Then you let me go
Onto my next adventure and I let you go to yours.
Always remembering us and our little haven of joy
Remembering your beautiful blue eyes and how they looked at me
Remembering how you told me to smile and
Remembering how I couldn’t stop smiling when I was with you
Remembering how we learned to live in the moment together
Remembering how we were free to be who we wanted to be with each other so we were the who we always wanted to be
Remembering how different we once were but how much of the same person we are
Remembering how you told me about your pain and
Remembering how you helped me deal with mine
Remembering how you told me that it was okay to love again
Even if it was just for a week
A week in paradise.
That was the poem. I hope you liked it. Please leave any comments or suggestions or whatever in the comments and I love you very much.
So this weekend, I gambled a lot.
I also lost a lot of money.
But, I mean, it was worth it right? I mean, I got to spend two days in a row with my three best friends.
I made some hilarious memories with these three. Whether we were just hanging out in the hotel room or stumbling around the casino, we could not stop laughing and loving each other. These wonderful ladies have helped me grow into the woman I am.
M taught me what dedication to your passion really means. She also taught me that being quiet doesn’t mean that you don’t have anything to say, but sometimes you’re just thinking and choosing your words carefully. M taught me that quiet people can be really freaking weird too.
C taught me how to be feminine, but still kick butt. She is probably my best friend ever because she just continually inspires me to keep growing. She taught me that wearing makeup is fun and it doesn’t make you a whore like I had been unfortunately taught. C taught me not to take crap from anyone and to demand respect from everyone. C taught me that everyone seriously fucks up their life at least twice daily.
E taught me how to laugh, like how to have a hearty laugh at everything that life throws at me. E taught me how to be strong even when you feel like crumbling into nothing. E taught me that being that one person that someone can confind in is the most meaningful thing in the world. E told me how to take a proper Instagram photo.
These beautiful ladies are sisters, No One. We don’t get to see each other all that often nor do we get to talk to each other a lot. But that doesn’t mean anything with these girls, except that we have a lot of catching up to do cuz let’s face it we ALL want to hear about what happened between C and that new boy she likes or M and her new babysitting job and E and her never ending job hunt. Because we care about each other. They care about each other. They care about me. And I am so lucky.
Today was my dear friend, K’s, birthday party. Now to begin with, K is one of the best people I have ever known.
She has always been a kind, loving, creative, and fun friend and the other day she turned 17. She and I have known each other since 6th grade, but we hadn’t been good friends until I was about 16 and she was 15.
She is my sister.
She knows so much about me and I know so much about her. We have a lot in common, but also not a lot which definitely keeps our friendship interesting. I basically love her a hella lot and wouldn’t be who I am without her. She’s helped me grow so much and I’d like to think that I’ve helped her grow too.
As for the rest of the party, it was so lovely to see everyone. The majority of the group was from my creative writing class that I took and helped lead in my junior and senior year of high school. It was almost like a reunion.
Seeing everyone was incredibly fun and brought back so many great memories. Tonight we even made some memories. At one point, half of the party sat on the trampoline and just asked each other questions. At another point, we all played Cards Against Humanity and realized that we are all hilariously awful people.
One of the artists in the group, H, gave K this as her birthday present-
And beautiful shit like this just makes me realize how blessed I was and am to have had such amazing and creative friends in high school. These people love and support me so much and I don’t know what I’d be without them.
I’m sorry for bragging, No One, it’s just the only thing on my mind.
I certainly had an interesting weekend. Shall i share with you the things I learned? Yes? Okay, if you insist:
- When a cute guy comes up to you and tells you he knows you from junior high school, TALK TO HIM.
- Always take your funnest friend with you to places that might not be fun because they will be fun with her.
- White wine is delicious
- Bad alcohol is dangerous
- Hangovers are basically the worst thing ever
- Don’t sit in the student section of a football game if it is in the sun
- Talk to the people around you at college events, chances are they’ll be fun and interesting
- I love small dogs
- Sleep aromatherapy is very effective if done correctly
- Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice is intensely soothing and melodic
- Falling off of a longboard sucks
- Sleeping in til 11 is great
- Buy donuts the night before and have a delicious treat in the morning with your coffee
- Margaret Atwood is the most bad ass and evocitive short story writer I have read in a long while
- People change for the better more often than not
- Good friends will be determined to stay in your life even if their life is moving past you
- And finally, vlogging is an excellent way of documenting your time with people
So that’s what I learned this weekend, No One. If anyone actually reads this and wants me to go in depth about the stories behind one or two of these, drop a comment down below and I’ll explain.
Until tomorrow, No One.
I love people. I really do. But often I am faced with how often people in my life are forced to leave or who just fade away from my life. But today I was able to catch up with one of those people’s who I thought had completely left my life. We’ll call him James for privacy reasons.
James and I met in freshman year and he and I hit it off right away. Honestly, for a while I thought I liked him until he basically came out to me by telling me about a boy he liked. And the thing is, when he did tell me I wasn’t mad or upset. I immediately started gossiping about other boys with him and we grew so incredibly close.
He also was one of the few people who knew about my depression and well my suicidal thoughts at that time. (Needless to say, freshman year sucked for me.) But James was there for me and I loved him and cherished his friendship greatly. But then one day he decided it would be best if he changed schools. My school is incredibly difficult so this happened often, but it still hurt the day he left. For a while after we did remain friends but like most sort of long distance friendships, it faded. We still followed each other on instagram and we liked each other’s Facebook photos, but there’d wasn’t any serious communication. Until this morning.
I recently changed my profile picture on Facebook to a prom photo (obviously) and he liked it and commented out of the blue demanding that we see each other and catch up. And I so happily obliged.
We got coffee and sat and talked for an hour at that same local coffee shop that I’ve ranted about before. We laughed and talked about our relationships, he just came out of a pretty bad break up, and had ourselves a little pity party before we went on to talk about the happier things in our lives.
It was so nice to just TALK to him. James was always a sweet guy but his personality has just continued to blossom and develop into a truly charming and bright individual with so many opportunities before him. He’s a huge Color Guardie and apparently he gets to go on tour- he’s so proud of me and my novel writing and how well I’ve been dealing with my breakup- he apparently adores RuPaul’s Drag Race and made me watch a few scenes just to get me hooked (which I pretty much am now, thanks:P)- and and and.
I could go on.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe all of my worry about losing my friends is for nothing. I mean I will lose friends. But the really important ones, the ones who I really care about and who really care about me, they’ll come back. They might be in and out, making guest appearances in my never ending television show of a life, but maybe they’ll come back like James.
I really hope that is the case. Friends like James are true friends. And over the years I guess I’ll see who are my true friends. That has to count for something I suppose.