Granted we still have an hour and a half left of today (for me), but I think I can pretty much state with all certainty that this Friday the 13th has absolutely sucked.
It started off pretty okay! I did cancel my plans of getting my industrial piercing done today because I just didn’t feel like I would have enough time and I’d rather go to the place that I’m going when it’s less busy (most tattoo parlors do $13 tattoos or piercings on Friday the 13th) and for some other reasons.
That was fine.
Then my sister came home from work in a fit of (rightful) anger, sadness, and tears because her most recent friend of the male sort ended things with her out of the blue, over text. Yeah I know. It honestly felt like the beginning of January all over again (for the newer people – https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/time-to-catch-up/) and I just wanted to cry and scream and punch someone all at once (still do).
Then we took Jess out for a walk together and talked about things and I went to lunch with my dad and that was great, I had a churro, life was looking up.
Then I realized, oh fuck I work with this male friend that my sister has been interested in. Fuck me. Great. So I went to work as usual and had to deal with his sorry fucking ass the whole time. I was so pissed, but you’d be so proud of me, No One, I didn’t say anything. I just gave him the cold fucking shoulder. Which I think is one of the meanest tricks in the book.
So I did that, came home after work, did a little bit of homework then went over to check on Jess to make sure that she had enough food for tonight and that the lights were on. I did all of that, but then I was sitting in their living room and I looked up at one of the pictures that they have hanging of Bobby and I just couldn’t do it. I lost it. I felt no I still feel like it’s just happening all over again except this time I don’t have him to comfort me and to tell Hannah that it’ll be okay and it’s just like ugh. It’s days like today that make me feel like I have no one. When everything is just going to shit and I feel like I’m losing my mind in the midst of a panic attack and there’s no one there to say anything to make me feel better. Some people try, don’t get me wrong, and I appreciate the effort, but I just can’t right now.
Today’s been an unlucky day, No One. Thanks for listening.
At least I had a vlogbrothers video to watch today.
Last night, I let myself be alone like physically alone for the first time in a long while. Sure, I’ve been home alone and I’ve gone to school by myself, but I’m talking about having no one surrounding me and just being alone with my thoughts.
I guess it was an enlightening experience, but more than anything I hated it. I was driving around the little suburb that I live in and I just started having an anxiety attack. I don’t really remember what started it, but I remember I first started crying when a thought popped into my mind as I drove.
“Am I depressed?”
That thought hadn’t crossed my mind for almost four years and I think the thought that I was honestly wondering that to myself is what scared me the most. I don’t think I am depressed, I know that I am sad and my separation anxieties aren’t helping with that, but I hadn’t considered the possibility that I was depressed and alone until last night.
Which y’know led to a full fledged attack with the joyous accompaniment of many tears and sobs. Luckily, I came home to my parents who knew something was up, right away. They helped calm me down and relax, but I can’t help but feel awful for making them calm me down in the first place.
I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m making any sense or if there is any logic going into my thoughts as of late.
I just know that I don’t want to be alone until I have all of this shit under control.
Today I got to visit my best friends, C and A, up at their university (Cal Baptist University) about an hour and a half away and it was awesome to see them. I think I might have mentioned it before, but I decided this past Sunday that I needed to visit them and be with my two of my closest friends so I invited myself up and I’m really glad I did. I got there at around 1:30 and was greeted by A, A’s girlfriend, and their cute friend, S, who is just a sweetheart and so freaking fineee. We walked around, taking the scenic route, and made it back to their dorms where we met up with C and two of their other friends, G and J. From there they just all showed me around their tiny little school (the full tour lasted about twenty minutes to go around the whole campus) and then we parted ways with S (he had other commitments) and visited the downtown area of the little suburban jungle surrounding the campus which proved absolutely delightful.
It felt amazing to be back with them and to be able to laugh and be dorky and talk and walk around and just be friends. I really do need that kind of physical contact nowadays and I am so happy that I’ve been able to give myself that with my friends who love me and understand that sometimes I need their help in order to feel better and to feel completely calm. And I did today, which I am so happy to report to you, No One.
But now I must go to bed, for I am waking up at seven A.M. tomorrow to go visit Bobby with his step mom and father. I can hardly wait 🙂
Yeah I had one last night. God, I hate getting them. But that’s what happens when you have abandonment issues, a migrane, and you’re alone in your room for the first time all day.
I guess I can pinpoint the start of my anxieties back to when I first said goodbye to Bobby back in September. I had a mini attack that first night where I hyperventilated but no tears were shed. Then when my friend, M, left for college two days before my birthday I cried, but thankfully not too much. The rest of first semester I pretty much kept it under control. I was busy (which helped enormously) and I don’t think I let myself feel any longing toward anyone. Instead, I focused on me. Which is great!
So far, it’s been much harder saying goodbye to people this time. Having Bobby leave again was traumatic. I’m not going to lie. I can’t watch the news. I loose it when people start talking about wars or terrorism. I feel like I can’t breathe at night if I’m alone. Saying goodbye to E and C was much harder this time too. I think because I knew what was coming. The eminent onset of lonliness I was going to feel and that’s all I can feel now.
And it isn’t like the walls are closing in and I feel like I’m suffocating like many would describe their attacks. It’s more like I can feel the empty space around me in everything. Nothing filling in that air left between those vibrating atoms that keep my bed and my walls and me together. I can feel the cold stagnant air and the silence that shakes it and I can’t feel the laughter and warmth and comfort that my friends bring that space. I can’t and that’s when I loose it.
I don’t know why I react in this way and I don’t know why I can’t just act like a normal human being and miss my friends in a healthy, normal way. And I’m so frustrated by it. I hate how much my heart hurts. And I love my friends. And I just miss them.