Endless Cycle of Suck

I think one of the greatest challenges I’ve had to endure so far this year is not my grades or keeping friends, y’know typical high school senior worries. No, individually all of those things don’t bother me all that much. I think my realest problem is that I get so stressed out because I simply have too many things going on. Before, I had my boyfriend, school, friends, my show, my music, my novel, etc etc. Now, I don’t have the boyfriend but I have greater friends that do require and deserve attention, school work that just piles up, making memories, and having fun, all while being a good daughter and girl that of course never lashes out or cries or has a bad day. Because that’s just uncharacteristic of me. And to change into someone who does let the stress get to her this late in the school year would just throw everyone for a loop and plainly not make sense. That isn’t how protagonists develop! I’m supposed to either grow or remain constant. And so a facade of constancy I have maintained.

And it’s too hard some days. To act happy, to be cheerful, to get every fucking thing done, to sing, to create. I honestly just want to stop and take a break, but like I said, I can’t. I can’t just get a moment to breathe, to relax, to take it all in, to spend time, to remember.

And that’s kind of fucked up isn’t it?

This is supposed to be the happiest fucking time of my life, and I’m too stressed out by trying to have so much fun, that I’m actually having fun.

It’s like I get somewhere and be like, “Great! This is great, I’m so happy to be here! Oh shit, better watch the clock, so I’m not late for the next thing!”

And it just goes on and on.

I’m not saying I’m a crazy partier or anything, there’s just a lot of events, rehearsal, days, and things I have to go and do because they’re supposed to be fun! And they are until I start thinking and stressing out all over again.

-Hope xoxo

Always Trying New Things

Yesterday was a day of firsts for me.
I performed my first slam poem in front of a group of about thirty people so yay.
I sang a song just for fun at my school’s talent show for the first time.
I went to the drive ins and saw X Men Days of Futures Past for the first time.
Let’s address each matter chronologically, shall we?
That rap that I posted on Thursday was reviewed by my English teacher and a good friend and they determined that if I read it like a slam poem it would be more rhetorically effective. So at the final project meeting, parents and other students came and I performed my poem to a thunderous applause. That made my heart sing.
My school’s talent show was last night and I just wanted to do something I’ve never done. And seeing as it was my last talent show. Mother fucking yolo. So I sang Take Me or Leave Me from Rent. I did adequately but I’m proud I did it.
X MEN. X MEN. I don’t know if I’m mad, stunned, or pleased. If you’ve seen it and you read this, please give me your opinion so I can further develop my own.

A Disturbing Rap About Rape

Notice how it doesn’t rhyme but instead I did a reverse sestina but only using five words instead of six. It’s kind of bitching. Enjoy, No One.

“Bad Day”

 

Some Days I don’t think about

You and what you did to

Me. Those days are the good

Ones, but today I can’t

Stop the tears and the hate that I feel toward

Some of the things

You made

Me do. I can each tear roll down my face

One by one- I guess I deserve it, I never said

Stop but I never said yes and

Some times I blame myself but

You did this to

Me. I’m ruined now an unfortunate life, an unfortunate

One lot I’ve been given so just

Stop acting like

Some of the things

You said weren’t intended for

Me. You said I was the

One, but baby just

Stop. We both know you wanted

Some things I wasn’t willing to give so

You hated

Me, resented me for the

One thing I stood for so just

Stop playing the victim

 

We both know that’s me.

 

 

So there’s that. Don’t hate me.

Interesting Thoughts

People are intensely interesting to me. It’s amazing how much someone can change. Aand it’s disturbing how little someone can change. People’s common interests are somehow binding forces that start friendships and intimate relationships, but never the other way aroudn. Why wouldn’t you be more interested in someone who has completely different interests than you? You could gain so much more knowledge that way. Yet man continues to limit his own understanding of self and the world around him by confining himself to people who agree with only his beliefs, who know the same skills, who feel the same way.

It doesn’t make any sense.

Isn’t our purpose here to expand and grow? Wouldn’t a diverse company we keep aid us even more so in that endeavor? So tell me why Christians hang out with pretty solely Christians, writers converse mainly with other writers, diplomats debate with other diplomats?

How the fuck does that make any sense?

Lack of Motivation

At my school, the creative writing class is affectionately nicknamed Tangent and this week is what we call Projects Week. Wherein the Tamgent project meets Tuesday, Wedmesday, and Thursday for four hours and you just sit and write your little heart out. Tamgent week is honestly one of my favorite weeks in the school year and the only goal is just finish something. Just find something you want to do and do it for those twelve hours. 

Anyone who follows me on instagram or has had a conversation with me in the past few days knows my goal is write more of my novel. Hopefully, I’ll finish five more chapters, putting me right at the climax of the novel and making me supremely happy. But all of this is so much easier said than done. 

I love to write and create and I love my story and my novel, but to be honest, my mind wants to do so many other things,pursue other opportunities. Of course I realize this right when I actually have to do something mildly intensive. 

Frozen

For millennia, man has been convinced that whatever diety he believe in that somehow that god can and does communicate to them-through prophets, prayers, harvests, etc. I am no exception. Ever since my break up, I feel like the diety watching over me is just forcing the same three words into my mind and my heart.

“Let it go.”

No I haven’t been listening to too much Frozen for all you haters out there.

But I will say that that song has played at some of the oddest and most necessary moments recently.

That song, people on instagram, paraphrased versions of the Bible, etc etc.

I can’t help but notice it. I can’t help but think it all of the time. Cuz sometimes you just need to be reminded to let some shit go. I’m not one for grudge holding but I have been known to bottle up feelings and thoughts and I just can’t do that anymore. There are so many better things I could be doing rather than moping or crying so why not let it go? What is holding me back from letting him go?

Myself.

So God just tells me, let it go, Hope, only you can. No one else has the power to let me forget or forgive. Not even a god. Only I can.

So here I am. Letting go. I can’t keep reliving the past and thinking about someone or something that will not ever be in my life again. I refuse to give in. I refuse to give anymore of my precious time away to something that doesn’t matter to me anymore.

Let it fucking go.

“Best Friends”

Best friends can be worst shit to ever happen to you. Dont worry Im not speaking about any events in recent events, but they can ruin you. My friend, Hailey*, has the worst thing in the world and finally after a year of being treated like shit she’s done. I just don’t understand how someone can be so awful to a person they supposedly love above any other. Gah. People suck. 

Curse my disillusionment. 

Bad Day in Break Up Land

I’m everything you’d ever want, but nothing you’ll ever need. -Me

Mean girl

I think I might be a mean girl. Yes like Regina George. Or at least, we have similar characteristics.
It’s not that I’m mean to people or I make burn books with slanderous remarks about everyone but I kind of have something similar.
I’m calling it the Reminder Book. It’s a journal (lined pages and everything) and I started writing in it today. Each page is dedicated to one of my friends with important information that future me might want to know: what they’re doing next year, phone number, and why I should keep in contact with them. I’m only putting in my favorites, the best of the best. If you want to be my friend then you want to be in the book and if you aren’t in the book I either don’t care about you or hate you. And THAT makes me feel like Regina.

-Hope xoxo

Fire

I live in San Diego and currently my city is on fire. Every thing is clouded by a thick layer of smoke and ash. 

But something native San Diegans understand that no one does is, this is a normal occurrence. Sure it doesnt happen everyday but in my life this is fifth “awful fire season”. 

Fire season is usually caused by Santa Ana winds and jack asses with lighter fluid. And you know what? It just fucking happens. 

It does suck though. Especially for the families who lose their houses.

Thankfully I’ve never lost a house to a fire, but everyone and their mother is prepared to lose theirs. Shit happens, yknow? We all have our fire proof safes that keep our more valuable possessions and important documents. We all have lists of things that we have to carry on us in fire season in case of an evacuation. 

My list has really shrunk in recent years, a guess a good sign that maybe I’m not too materialistic. when I was young and experienced my first fire season, I remember putting all of my stuffed animals (at that time about sixty) into bags and putting them in my mom’s truck- our family’s emergency vehicle of choice, along with taking pictures off of the walls, and grabbing my favorite blankie. Now my list is basically my phone, my iPod, my iPad, my external hard drive, a bin that’s full of photos, wallet, and (if time allows) a painting by Thomas Kincade that hangs in our living room. It’s the important things that really matter. I just don’t want to lose my memories and my future. My iPad and my phone are more convenience than anything. I’d hate to lose that much money cuz of one fucking fire started some potheads (no offense to non arson potheads, you guys are pretty swell).