I think one of the greatest challenges I’ve had to endure so far this year is not my grades or keeping friends, y’know typical high school senior worries. No, individually all of those things don’t bother me all that much. I think my realest problem is that I get so stressed out because I simply have too many things going on. Before, I had my boyfriend, school, friends, my show, my music, my novel, etc etc. Now, I don’t have the boyfriend but I have greater friends that do require and deserve attention, school work that just piles up, making memories, and having fun, all while being a good daughter and girl that of course never lashes out or cries or has a bad day. Because that’s just uncharacteristic of me. And to change into someone who does let the stress get to her this late in the school year would just throw everyone for a loop and plainly not make sense. That isn’t how protagonists develop! I’m supposed to either grow or remain constant. And so a facade of constancy I have maintained.
And it’s too hard some days. To act happy, to be cheerful, to get every fucking thing done, to sing, to create. I honestly just want to stop and take a break, but like I said, I can’t. I can’t just get a moment to breathe, to relax, to take it all in, to spend time, to remember.
And that’s kind of fucked up isn’t it?
This is supposed to be the happiest fucking time of my life, and I’m too stressed out by trying to have so much fun, that I’m actually having fun.
It’s like I get somewhere and be like, “Great! This is great, I’m so happy to be here! Oh shit, better watch the clock, so I’m not late for the next thing!”
And it just goes on and on.
I’m not saying I’m a crazy partier or anything, there’s just a lot of events, rehearsal, days, and things I have to go and do because they’re supposed to be fun! And they are until I start thinking and stressing out all over again.