Last night, I let myself be alone like physically alone for the first time in a long while. Sure, I’ve been home alone and I’ve gone to school by myself, but I’m talking about having no one surrounding me and just being alone with my thoughts.
I guess it was an enlightening experience, but more than anything I hated it. I was driving around the little suburb that I live in and I just started having an anxiety attack. I don’t really remember what started it, but I remember I first started crying when a thought popped into my mind as I drove.
“Am I depressed?”
That thought hadn’t crossed my mind for almost four years and I think the thought that I was honestly wondering that to myself is what scared me the most. I don’t think I am depressed, I know that I am sad and my separation anxieties aren’t helping with that, but I hadn’t considered the possibility that I was depressed and alone until last night.
Which y’know led to a full fledged attack with the joyous accompaniment of many tears and sobs. Luckily, I came home to my parents who knew something was up, right away. They helped calm me down and relax, but I can’t help but feel awful for making them calm me down in the first place.
I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m making any sense or if there is any logic going into my thoughts as of late.
I just know that I don’t want to be alone until I have all of this shit under control.
As most of you know (cuz I try to shamelessly do self promo on here), I do the YouTube thing and this month I’ve been writing daily vlogs to November as a poetic ode sort of thing to the month (for a more extensive understanding, please check out the videos linked at the bottom of this post) and today I did one that I’m really proud of you and that I wanted to share with you. I hope you enjoy the transcript and if you’d like to hear the performance watch the first video below.
Your early evenings are such a blessing and such a curse. They make me want to curl in my blankets to sleep by six o’clock and the short amount of time that the Sun is in the sky during the day, tricks me into believing that time is going faster than it normally does. But the harsh reality of cold, early, winter nights terrifies me to the bone. The encloses darkness surrounds me and my sight becomes reliant on light quicker. I’m scared to walk alone to my car at night for fear of what, or rather who, is hiding in the shadows. But there is no greater relief than sitting down in my car, alone and safe. I just wish I didn’t have it at all.
Tomorrow. Welp. This is it. Tomorrow is the big day. It’s the first day of school.
I estimate that that last sentence is probably the most used phrase this time of year.
“Oh it’s the first day of school, kids!”
“Welcome to the first day of school!
“I don’t want to get up, it’s the first day of school!”
That last complaining one is probably going to be me in the morning. I mean, yes, I am terribly excited for classes to start and to have a structured schedule again. But honestly, I have two major problems with going back to school:
- Summer is over
- I’ve never done this before
The first one is understandable, but, well, what do you mean by that last one, Hope? Well, No One, I’ve never gone to a big school. The largest school I went to was for two years in the academic advanced program where people were forced to be friends with me, cuz let’s face it, I was the smartest one in the room. That school was about a thousand students I’d say and it was K-8 public school. There were tons of idiots, some average fellows, some advanced ones like myself and company, and that was it! Now I am heading into San Diego State University. Literally famous for nationally renowned sports teams. There are five thousand incoming freshmen, including myself. The “Aztec Community” which consists of students, alumni, staff, and faculty, is at around 380,000 people.
How am I ever going to standout here?
Not that I want to on a grand scale, but rather how am I going to make my teachers remember me? How am I going to make friends? How am I going to push through my impacted major and rise to the top? How? How? How?!
I don’t fucking know the answers to any of these questions. Which frustrates me to no end. But I guess I’ll only know by trying to figure it out myself. Starting tomorrow.