I feel like I’ve accidentally turned into a Bed and Breakfast. Yesterday, I came home after work and a dentist appointment and my lovely boyfriend had spent the day lounging about my house, eating, showering, watching Netflix, and relaxing. I was more than elated to see him even if had made me giggle a little bit that he’d been relaxing in my house, by himself all day.
Last night, he couldn’t spend the night again and me, fearing the dark and being alone, invited my friend to spend the night. We had spaghetti and drank wine and caught up on life because we hadn’t seen each other since early January, but then I left this morning after having made her coffee, given her doughnuts, cleaning the bathtub so she could use a bath bomb and relax, and leaving a key for her to lock the door behind her.
Again, the idea that she’s at my house just relaxing enjoying her morning makes me giggle a little bit and feel only a little weird, but this girl has been my friend for years so I trust her and I know she’s not gonna burn the house down.
Even still, it’s an odd and funny situation that I’ve deeply enjoyed and gotten some joy out of.
Who knows? Maybe this is who I should’ve been all along! Just a Bed and Breakfast host. I bet I’d make fucking bank.
Today I feel relaxed. I genuinely do. That’s not an easy thing for me to feel lately, so that’s why I feel like it’s note worthy. I relaxed all day at my friend’s house after I’d done some chores around my house and then I fell asleep next to my love and woke up with him beside me.
It’s the little things like that I suppose, but I just feel so rested and so loved and so relaxed. It’s like that’s what weekends are for or something.
It gets so hard for me to shut my brain off, but yesterday it felt like I did. I did laundry, did some dishes, washed my sheets (one of my favorite things, mind you), bought myself a new Betsy Johnson backpack, got a birthday present for a friend, dusted, and I did all while smiling and feeling calm. Like I said, I’m so surprised by how happy and relaxed I am today! A Monday of all days!
Work has given me stuff to do, as well, to keep my hands busy enough for my mind to wander and it just wanders back to what a lovely day yesterday was which keeps me smiling and pleased.
I always wish I could be home with my love, all wrapped up in each other, but for now I can just daydream about it alongside how lovely Sunday was. That’s good enough for me.
There’s no man or woman. Just human, man.”
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
Obviously I tell you, No One, a lot about my life, but I think one thing that you might not understand is that I just don’t REALLY open up all that much with my friends. Best friends, sure, but it takes a lot to get me to talk and that’s how I like it.
But tonight I hung out with A and her boyfriend and I really felt like I could be open with them so I was and they were open right back. A has shared a lot with me in the past, but I don’t know if I’ve ever truly compensated until tonight which was both refreshing and relieving in a sense.
Just generally I had a really great night with those two. They hardly ever make me feel like the third wheel (and if they do, I know it’s on accident) and we’re just always laughing and enjoying each other’s simple company. I love every second, No One, I really do.
I hope you had a great day and evening. My eyelids are getting heavy so I’m gonna go to bed, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow. ❤
While today has been just a fine day, in fact, it was awesome to be back at my “home” school, I’ve felt this underlying uneasiness and angry confusion coming from deep within. We’ll to get to where I think that comes from in a minute. I’ve felt extremely proud and mystified almost and I’ll explain why in a mo.
But first I want to say thank you to everyone who liked today’s poem from earlier. Thank you so much ThatsAweSam for giving me such a great idea and letting me just run with it. Your poem set a new record for me:
So thank you very kindly, my new Internet friend.
Now onto why I am upset.
I think the root cause of it is I miss Bobby and C and A and E.
Although I talk to C almost everyday, I wish to just be in his presence again and feel his laugh touch my heart. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. A (C’s friend, not my band friend) has been so busy with his school and his girlfriend, so I can’t blame him for our lack of communication, but I just wish to hear from him.
E’s on vacation (her school has a spring break right now for reason) and I just want to call her, but I know she’s busy having fun in the sun making memories with her new college friends.
I think it’s Bobby who I am most distraught over. While yes we texted on Sunday, which was just fine and dandy, I just wish that I wasn’t the one reaching out to him all of the time and that for once he’d be the one to text me first and want to know about my day. I’m afraid that whenever I let myself love my friends, I feel like it’s a one sided thing and perhaps I’m just annoying them with my constant need for love, communication, and interaction. But honestly, it’s just these four, A, and my sister who I need this constancy from, no one else because I’m scared to be vulnerable to so many people.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense.
I just want to feel loved and secure in my friendships, to give love freely with those in whom I trust, and not feel like I’m the only one putting in any effort.
I just want a fucking phone call from any one of them. Is that too much to ask?
Sigh* In contrast, I am very proud of you and I today, No One. We’ve hit yet another milestone.
I suppose these will be coming more and more frequently now that I post almost twice daily, but it’s always a nice reminder of how far we’ve actually come.
For perspective, the last time I got one of these little WordPress badges (100 posts) was back in November ( https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2014/11/22/yet-another-milestone/ ). So yeah we’re doing pretty well for ourselves, my No One. And I really am quite proud of this little blog. Only two people from my normal life know about this little safe haven (and I did not give that knowledge away willingly, mind you) so that means that all of you beautiful people have just decided to follow me and listen to my pointless rants just because you find it interesting. And for that I am thankful and proud of us.
Y’all are the fucking bomb dot com.
No, no not that feeling of stagnant life and boredom. I mean, the actual paper, pens, and clips kinda stationary! I went and bought a whole bunch today after work and before rehearsal and holy it is awesome! I literally can’t get over how beautiful all of it is and I’m also kind of embarrassed by how excited I am over some paper, binders, and sticky notes. But FUCK IT, I’M AN ADULT LET ME HAPPY.
Furthermore, my happiness was also increased today when I got an A- on an English paper, when my boss came to work today and we got to hang out and talk, when A and I practiced “Thinking Out Loud” together after our other rehearsal and it sounded pretty decent, AND when I just finished my homework like two minutes ago.
Today has been a very productive and happy day to say the least.
Oh and I also donated a whole bunch of stuff to GoodWill and registered my Starbucks card online so now I’m officially a member of their rewards program! Woo hoo! AND I picked the winners for my poem giveaway (inspired4business and ThatsAweSam)!
I just feel great today, No One, I really do, which is such a nice change from my typical feelings of perhaps apathy or longing for friendships that are unavailable to me at the present moment.
Yes I miss Bobby and Emma and Caleb, but not as much as I usually do today. In fact, today I miss Caleb the most or at least I’ve been thinking about him the most, just because I miss him and I want to tell him about my awful date on Friday. But we’re planning on Skyping tomorrow so I really can’t even complain.
I hope your day was awesome, No One. I really was. And I hope that our tomorrows are even better. 🙂
One of my few best friends who still lives in San Diego with me, A, and I hung out today and talked about the future. She is one of the best people in my life in my honest opinion and such a huge inspiration to me. She was the one who encouraged me to go out and get a job and (even though we wouldn’t see each other to her dismay) encourages me every day to continue my travelling dreams. Amongst her encouragement and inspiration, we are also very much each other’s support systems. She’s quite the introvert and while she has a great family and a good enough boyfriend, I’m one of her few friends and probably her best friend, besides one of her sisters. I am there for her as much as she is there for me and she is one of those friends who genuinely listens to you when you tell her every aspect of your day and who genuinely cares about it.
Okay okay, sorry, I know I just ranted about her for a moment. So anyway, we hung out today and we’re planning some really cool and exciting things for ourselves musically. We met through the band that I’m in and we’ve been on and off discussing branching out and trying to do a cover band with some other people, in the past. But we’ve both decided that we’re kind of fed up waiting for everyone to be ready to make this band, so we’re going to start it ourselves.
This week both of us are going to finding songs that we want to sing together and hopefully we’ll get the music for em and practice and then record them and put them up onto YouTube. The goal is have five or six covers recorded before we start posting so that we can almost guarantee weekly covers.
AND I’M JUST REALLY FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT IT.
A is such an amazing singer, bass player, pianist, guitarist, etc., and I’m really excited to work on something with someone I love and who loves me back.
We just want to make music together, so we’re gonna.
P.S. Don’t forget tomorrow morning at 10 am PST, I will be choosing the winners of yesterday’s poem giveaway! So make sure you’ve liked yesterday’s rant so that I can put your name in the drawing! 🙂 https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/poem-giveaway/
I did an adult thing today, No One! I got my first credit card! My dad had to co-sign it (which sucks cuz I want to be more independent) so that I’d get approved and right now it’s all about building good credit and being a responsible member of society and all of that other boring shit. So that’s great and I went to another gig last night for my band which was awesome and made me ridiculously happy to see all of my friends up on stage, kicking ass. It just makes me want to perform and play more. While I love writing and reading, music is my inspiration and a true passion of mine and I’m so lucky that I get to share my passion with such amazing and talented people.
And although all of this is great and I’m feeling really great and happy, I feel weird. Maybe today has just been a weird day, but I just feel inadequate as of late. I think it’s because I miss Bobby and Caleb and Emma, and I haven’t talked to them recently. And maybe also because of the weirdness of yesterday’s events. I just don’t like feeling so weirdly troubled when I’m alone with my thoughts.
Life is full of confusion. Confusion of love, passion, and romance. Confusion of family and friends. Confusion with life itself. What path we take, what turns we make. How we roll our dice.”