Yeah I had one last night. God, I hate getting them. But that’s what happens when you have abandonment issues, a migrane, and you’re alone in your room for the first time all day.
I guess I can pinpoint the start of my anxieties back to when I first said goodbye to Bobby back in September. I had a mini attack that first night where I hyperventilated but no tears were shed. Then when my friend, M, left for college two days before my birthday I cried, but thankfully not too much. The rest of first semester I pretty much kept it under control. I was busy (which helped enormously) and I don’t think I let myself feel any longing toward anyone. Instead, I focused on me. Which is great!
So far, it’s been much harder saying goodbye to people this time. Having Bobby leave again was traumatic. I’m not going to lie. I can’t watch the news. I loose it when people start talking about wars or terrorism. I feel like I can’t breathe at night if I’m alone. Saying goodbye to E and C was much harder this time too. I think because I knew what was coming. The eminent onset of lonliness I was going to feel and that’s all I can feel now.
And it isn’t like the walls are closing in and I feel like I’m suffocating like many would describe their attacks. It’s more like I can feel the empty space around me in everything. Nothing filling in that air left between those vibrating atoms that keep my bed and my walls and me together. I can feel the cold stagnant air and the silence that shakes it and I can’t feel the laughter and warmth and comfort that my friends bring that space. I can’t and that’s when I loose it.
I don’t know why I react in this way and I don’t know why I can’t just act like a normal human being and miss my friends in a healthy, normal way. And I’m so frustrated by it. I hate how much my heart hurts. And I love my friends. And I just miss them.
I can hardly breathe.
My lungs feel like they’re collapsing in on themselves
I hate the feeling.
I can hardly think
My thoughts focusing and refocusing on your absence
Like the focus of a camera
I miss your presence.
I can hardly see
Through the tears that well up in my eyes
As my heart is ripped apart from itself.
I can’t do this.
But you’re leaving.
All of you.
You’re all leaving
Don’t go, I don’t know
When I’ll see you again
If I’ll see you again
Looking the way you do
Full of life and a fire behind those eyes.
Don’t leave me
I can’t do this again.
And you’re gone.
And I’m here.
Crying over the people I love
Hating them for making me so
P.S. This is a very personal topic for me and it’s a very rough piece, but I’d appreciate some gentle critiques if any of you are willing to leave them. Thank you for reading this and I hope you aren’t judging me too harshly. It’s just been rough since Bobby left.