Today has just been filled with absolute excitement from the beginning. First, my laptop crashed last night, so I’m taking it to Best Buy today after work. Woo. Party.
Second, work was busy in the morning and now quiet in the afternoon so I’ve blazed a fiery trail through some paperwork and filing to help a coworker. Crazy. Fucking. Shit.
Third, I finished my Netflix show I’ve been binge watching (Bates Motel) accidentally so I’ve been researching what show to start next. Riveting conversational points. I know.
Finally, I might go over to the new comic book store after work and get a new comic book to read at work tomorrow. Insanity.
It’s been a bit of an uneventful day, as you can tell (unless my sarcasm is too thick for you), which is both a good thing and well a boring thing.
I got some really great advice, however, when I went to visit my Grandma yesterday after work. She said in reference to me picking up a new hobby, “Well, you just gotta do it, Hope, if it’s what you want to do.” Thanks, Shia LeBouf Grandma. Thanks.
I feel like I’ve accidentally turned into a Bed and Breakfast. Yesterday, I came home after work and a dentist appointment and my lovely boyfriend had spent the day lounging about my house, eating, showering, watching Netflix, and relaxing. I was more than elated to see him even if had made me giggle a little bit that he’d been relaxing in my house, by himself all day.
Last night, he couldn’t spend the night again and me, fearing the dark and being alone, invited my friend to spend the night. We had spaghetti and drank wine and caught up on life because we hadn’t seen each other since early January, but then I left this morning after having made her coffee, given her doughnuts, cleaning the bathtub so she could use a bath bomb and relax, and leaving a key for her to lock the door behind her.
Again, the idea that she’s at my house just relaxing enjoying her morning makes me giggle a little bit and feel only a little weird, but this girl has been my friend for years so I trust her and I know she’s not gonna burn the house down.
Even still, it’s an odd and funny situation that I’ve deeply enjoyed and gotten some joy out of.
Who knows? Maybe this is who I should’ve been all along! Just a Bed and Breakfast host. I bet I’d make fucking bank.
Today I feel relaxed. I genuinely do. That’s not an easy thing for me to feel lately, so that’s why I feel like it’s note worthy. I relaxed all day at my friend’s house after I’d done some chores around my house and then I fell asleep next to my love and woke up with him beside me.
It’s the little things like that I suppose, but I just feel so rested and so loved and so relaxed. It’s like that’s what weekends are for or something.
It gets so hard for me to shut my brain off, but yesterday it felt like I did. I did laundry, did some dishes, washed my sheets (one of my favorite things, mind you), bought myself a new Betsy Johnson backpack, got a birthday present for a friend, dusted, and I did all while smiling and feeling calm. Like I said, I’m so surprised by how happy and relaxed I am today! A Monday of all days!
Work has given me stuff to do, as well, to keep my hands busy enough for my mind to wander and it just wanders back to what a lovely day yesterday was which keeps me smiling and pleased.
I always wish I could be home with my love, all wrapped up in each other, but for now I can just daydream about it alongside how lovely Sunday was. That’s good enough for me.
Oh, No One. What trouble I’ve gotten myself into this time. I seem to have done something truly horrendous. I’ve fallen in love.
It’s awful I know.
It’s still weird for me to say it, let alone write out. But the fact remains.
It’s been a while since we’ve talked, my dear, yes, but I won’t bore you with the gross details of how it’s all come about. Not tonight.
Tonight, I wanted to tell you and to tell myself.
We all know that I’m an innately selfish creature, but with this particular one. This person. This human. I’m truly struggling with that facet of my personality.
There’s a fine line between selfishness required in a relationship and selflessness required in a relationship. Learning to understand how complex and different and needing of different things and not understanding other things my human is has been quite a challenge for me, someone who has in the past so desperately tried to separate the people in my life into the ones who are in it and the one who are not, and the people who I like and the people I don’t. Trying to understand someone AND love them past those points has been a struggle.
No, grander than a struggle. A vital battle that my own subconscious demanded I fight in.
You see, this human, is just so wonderful and beautiful and complex that my heart can’t bear to place him in a box. My soul craves understanding of his complexities even if doing so makes me second guess myself and stand back and observe my own insecurities.
You see, I think my selfishness is rooted in a place of doubt and insecurity in others who I’ve trusted in the past that have broken that trust. It’s a lot easier to shove someone in a box and never let their words touch you than to experience someone’s vulnerability and show them your own and let their words touch you in so many beautiful ways only to hope that their kindness never leaves.
Because that’s just it, my heart and soul want to fly and be free and live where I am no longer attached. Yet my brain and obsessive compulsive nature demand normalcy and regularity.
Balance is what my life needs to focus on right now. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reach a happy and comfortable place with my human until I – we – my brain and my heart – find that balance. Find that compromise and agreement to what I truly need from this life.
P.S. Do you see why I feel like I need to start blogging again?
Do you ever feel like that? Today I was definitely feeling it. Maybe it’s just the people that I was with, but something just wasn’t clicking today and I felt very excluded and confused. Was it my own doing? Is this even a real thing? No one else seems to be acting like I should be taking all of this personally, yet here I am – taking it personally. I just wanted to be home, all day, but I wasn’t until around eight o’clock tonight. Which yeah, fucking pissed me off. I hate feeling stuck in not the most comfortable of situations and I just wanted to be home. And now that I am home, I’ve been studying for a midterm that I have tomorrow.
I just fucking need a hug, No One. I don’t know why today has been so not okay, but it was and I just want someone to tell me it’s okay for feeling upset, yet no one has validated my feelings.
I just want to be alone for a week without anything to do and anyone to talk to. Then I’d be okay.
Obviously I tell you, No One, a lot about my life, but I think one thing that you might not understand is that I just don’t REALLY open up all that much with my friends. Best friends, sure, but it takes a lot to get me to talk and that’s how I like it.
But tonight I hung out with A and her boyfriend and I really felt like I could be open with them so I was and they were open right back. A has shared a lot with me in the past, but I don’t know if I’ve ever truly compensated until tonight which was both refreshing and relieving in a sense.
Just generally I had a really great night with those two. They hardly ever make me feel like the third wheel (and if they do, I know it’s on accident) and we’re just always laughing and enjoying each other’s simple company. I love every second, No One, I really do.
I hope you had a great day and evening. My eyelids are getting heavy so I’m gonna go to bed, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow. ❤
It’s been one of those happy, ridiculous Thursdays, my No One. I think Thursday has become my favorite day of the work week. It’s almost Friday, I don’t have any school the next morning, and my sister and I get home at the same time. It’s always a fun time with her when we aren’t weeping about some dumb boy or talking shit out and tonight was no exception. We laugh and got some homework done together and drank a little, which always makes us a little more ridiculous than usual.
The little alcohol that we had caused us to get into a raging debate about the Oxford comma. I had recently just taught it to my dad sort of accidentally and he brought it up during dinner, saying that he had used it at work and recognized it as the thing that we had discussed previously. Hannah didn’t know what it was so I demonstrated and needless to say, I have an entire household behind me in my never ending propagation and use of the Oxford comma.
Our conversation was excited, hilarious, and about something that I’m passionate which honestly doesn’t really happen in my household. I’ve always been into reading, writing, and other various fine arts, while my family works almost exclusively in medicine. Most of our dinner conversations consist of a weird public health policy or some disease that all three of them know a lot about. Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely riveting conversation and love listening to my family be passionate about their day jobs, I just can’t really connect to it as much as I connect to my own passions. It was a pleasant change to be able to get involved in a conversation and basically lead it and teach them about it, since they had previously known nothing of the subject matter, much like myself and public health policies.
A turning of the tables, in a sense, and I’m very happy that I was able to enjoy it.
I really am all three.
Tired because I haven’t been getting as much sleep as I should have.
Busy because my entire life right now is school, work, band, and homework. I’ve barely been getting any down time, which I guess I should work on changing.
But yet, I’m really happy. A little stressed out, sure, but when I sleep I sleep hard and when I’m awake I have Starbucks and when I’m busy I don’t have time to be upset about the little things that might otherwise bother me.
I hope you had a great day, No One. I love you very very much.
This clip from one of my favorite films, Ferris Bueler’s Day Off, is pretty much an exact representation of how I’ve been feeling lately.
I feel like whenever I “have” to do something, I end up going, but not until after I’ve kicked and screamed for a good long while or someone’s had to extensively convince me to go. I don’t know where this apathy came from, I don’t know if it’s going to stay, but to a certain degree it’s kinda pissing me off and annoying me. I know I just need to get shit done, but I don’t wannaa.
I just wanna sit at home and tink away at my piano and have no one talk to me.
Is that too much to ask for? 😄
Oh man, I live such a privileged life and I’m so lucky to live the life that I do. I’m just tired and I need a fucking nap.