Today I feel relaxed. I genuinely do. That’s not an easy thing for me to feel lately, so that’s why I feel like it’s note worthy. I relaxed all day at my friend’s house after I’d done some chores around my house and then I fell asleep next to my love and woke up with him beside me.
It’s the little things like that I suppose, but I just feel so rested and so loved and so relaxed. It’s like that’s what weekends are for or something.
It gets so hard for me to shut my brain off, but yesterday it felt like I did. I did laundry, did some dishes, washed my sheets (one of my favorite things, mind you), bought myself a new Betsy Johnson backpack, got a birthday present for a friend, dusted, and I did all while smiling and feeling calm. Like I said, I’m so surprised by how happy and relaxed I am today! A Monday of all days!
Work has given me stuff to do, as well, to keep my hands busy enough for my mind to wander and it just wanders back to what a lovely day yesterday was which keeps me smiling and pleased.
I always wish I could be home with my love, all wrapped up in each other, but for now I can just daydream about it alongside how lovely Sunday was. That’s good enough for me.
Frustration can be almost as debilitating as a mental illness or a broken bone. In fact, it’s often associated with fierce times in one’s life.
As I become closer to my boyfriend and we’ve stayed together longer, the growing pains have begun to be felt. Where little things just build up into a frustrating pile of shit that you don’t want to acknowledge but is so hard to ignore.
It puts a strain on the relationship even if it’s just the external forces surrounding the relationship that are causing the frustration. More so, the refusal to talk about the problems hurts. My feelings are important. And it’s not my boyfriend’s refusal to talk, it’s my own.
I don’t want to acknowledge my problems, my illnesses, my qualms. Because of some ancient guilt complex, built into the very fiber of my being. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. I feel guilty for wanting attention and wanting to talk. I feel like I’m wasting breath and that eventually no one, including he, will care.
It’s a toxic thought process, but it’s mine.
So when I melted into a puddle of tears last night over Facetime, sobbing over every detail of the past two weeks, I couldn’t help but feel guilty. Feel guilty, because it felt good to cry and it felt good to complain and it felt good to get everything out there for him to take it or leave it.
And he took it. And then he told me he loved me. For the billionth time.
And it’s moments like last night, that convince me, that maybe – just maybe – this guy is gonna be it.
He’s the only one that always knows what to say and when he doesn’t have anything to say, that’s says everything.
Oh, No One. What trouble I’ve gotten myself into this time. I seem to have done something truly horrendous. I’ve fallen in love.
It’s awful I know.
It’s still weird for me to say it, let alone write out. But the fact remains.
It’s been a while since we’ve talked, my dear, yes, but I won’t bore you with the gross details of how it’s all come about. Not tonight.
Tonight, I wanted to tell you and to tell myself.
We all know that I’m an innately selfish creature, but with this particular one. This person. This human. I’m truly struggling with that facet of my personality.
There’s a fine line between selfishness required in a relationship and selflessness required in a relationship. Learning to understand how complex and different and needing of different things and not understanding other things my human is has been quite a challenge for me, someone who has in the past so desperately tried to separate the people in my life into the ones who are in it and the one who are not, and the people who I like and the people I don’t. Trying to understand someone AND love them past those points has been a struggle.
No, grander than a struggle. A vital battle that my own subconscious demanded I fight in.
You see, this human, is just so wonderful and beautiful and complex that my heart can’t bear to place him in a box. My soul craves understanding of his complexities even if doing so makes me second guess myself and stand back and observe my own insecurities.
You see, I think my selfishness is rooted in a place of doubt and insecurity in others who I’ve trusted in the past that have broken that trust. It’s a lot easier to shove someone in a box and never let their words touch you than to experience someone’s vulnerability and show them your own and let their words touch you in so many beautiful ways only to hope that their kindness never leaves.
Because that’s just it, my heart and soul want to fly and be free and live where I am no longer attached. Yet my brain and obsessive compulsive nature demand normalcy and regularity.
Balance is what my life needs to focus on right now. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reach a happy and comfortable place with my human until I – we – my brain and my heart – find that balance. Find that compromise and agreement to what I truly need from this life.
P.S. Do you see why I feel like I need to start blogging again?
The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!”
-Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It’s a crazy thing to do. It’s kinda like a socially acceptable insanity.
At my work, I don’t let myself get too attached to the kids. Most of the time it’s really easy, but today I felt myself emotionally trip if you will.
You see, I honestly do put up a very firm and mean front when I’m in front of the kids so that they, well, respect me and my authority over them. But today one of my kids, William*, was being picked up by his grandpa. We’d been hanging out (it was later in the day, so there were less kids), playing games, and talking. He was really excited about his trip he’s taking over spring break and he was telling me all about it when his grandpa walked in. So (like all of the other kids) he gets up and starts getting his things together while I say hello to his grandpa. I’m sitting down and he kinda quietly goes, “Well bye, Miss Hope. See you in three weeks, I’ll miss you” and gives me a little side hug.
I hardly ever ask the kids for any signs of affection, partly because of my spacial anxiety and partly because you just don’t when you work with kids cuz the majority of them are gross, But when I have little moments like I had today with William when he knows I care and I know he cares about me too, my seemingly cold heart can’t help but melt.
And it’s times like this that remind me why I like my job. I’m not gonna lie, today was rough. Thursdays always are pretty long with very few moments to breathe, but today especially felt really rough and long until I got that little appreciation from such a good kid.
There’s nobody in the world that knows me better than my sister.
So, my No One, today I’m going to talk to one of you very specifically. My sister, Hannah, who recently has been going through my blog posts and reading them. So hello, sissy. Right now, you just left my bedroom after sitting in here for almost two hours whilst we talked about our days and funny things that happened to us and the kids at work and blah blah blah.
No One, you don’t know this, but my sister is going on her study abroad on Friday (PST) and while most sibling cherish the time they have apart, I’m honestly dread it. Hannah is my best friend, and no I’m not just saying that cuz you’re probably going to read this, Sissy. She tells me everything (even the stuff I don’t necessarily want to know about) and I honestly do my best to reciprocate the openness, but it’s hard because I don’t generally like talking about my feelings outside of this here blog. The thing that gets me about her is the fact that she wants to know everything I’m thinking and feeling no matter what and for no real reason. She just cares.
Isn’t that absolutely sickening, No One?
A lot of people tell me I’m really lucky to have such a great relationship with my sister, but they don’t really need to tell me cuz I already know.
So, Hannah, I love you very much and I can’t wait until you get back from your trip abroad. I’m gonna miss you a lot unfortunately.
When I dropped him, I shattered. Translation – no man has pleased me since, but I’d like to watch you try.”
Follow your fear.”