Oh, No One. What trouble I’ve gotten myself into this time. I seem to have done something truly horrendous. I’ve fallen in love.
It’s awful I know.
It’s still weird for me to say it, let alone write out. But the fact remains.
It’s been a while since we’ve talked, my dear, yes, but I won’t bore you with the gross details of how it’s all come about. Not tonight.
Tonight, I wanted to tell you and to tell myself.
We all know that I’m an innately selfish creature, but with this particular one. This person. This human. I’m truly struggling with that facet of my personality.
There’s a fine line between selfishness required in a relationship and selflessness required in a relationship. Learning to understand how complex and different and needing of different things and not understanding other things my human is has been quite a challenge for me, someone who has in the past so desperately tried to separate the people in my life into the ones who are in it and the one who are not, and the people who I like and the people I don’t. Trying to understand someone AND love them past those points has been a struggle.
No, grander than a struggle. A vital battle that my own subconscious demanded I fight in.
You see, this human, is just so wonderful and beautiful and complex that my heart can’t bear to place him in a box. My soul craves understanding of his complexities even if doing so makes me second guess myself and stand back and observe my own insecurities.
You see, I think my selfishness is rooted in a place of doubt and insecurity in others who I’ve trusted in the past that have broken that trust. It’s a lot easier to shove someone in a box and never let their words touch you than to experience someone’s vulnerability and show them your own and let their words touch you in so many beautiful ways only to hope that their kindness never leaves.
Because that’s just it, my heart and soul want to fly and be free and live where I am no longer attached. Yet my brain and obsessive compulsive nature demand normalcy and regularity.
Balance is what my life needs to focus on right now. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reach a happy and comfortable place with my human until I – we – my brain and my heart – find that balance. Find that compromise and agreement to what I truly need from this life.
P.S. Do you see why I feel like I need to start blogging again?
It’s been one of those happy, ridiculous Thursdays, my No One. I think Thursday has become my favorite day of the work week. It’s almost Friday, I don’t have any school the next morning, and my sister and I get home at the same time. It’s always a fun time with her when we aren’t weeping about some dumb boy or talking shit out and tonight was no exception. We laugh and got some homework done together and drank a little, which always makes us a little more ridiculous than usual.
The little alcohol that we had caused us to get into a raging debate about the Oxford comma. I had recently just taught it to my dad sort of accidentally and he brought it up during dinner, saying that he had used it at work and recognized it as the thing that we had discussed previously. Hannah didn’t know what it was so I demonstrated and needless to say, I have an entire household behind me in my never ending propagation and use of the Oxford comma.
Our conversation was excited, hilarious, and about something that I’m passionate which honestly doesn’t really happen in my household. I’ve always been into reading, writing, and other various fine arts, while my family works almost exclusively in medicine. Most of our dinner conversations consist of a weird public health policy or some disease that all three of them know a lot about. Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely riveting conversation and love listening to my family be passionate about their day jobs, I just can’t really connect to it as much as I connect to my own passions. It was a pleasant change to be able to get involved in a conversation and basically lead it and teach them about it, since they had previously known nothing of the subject matter, much like myself and public health policies.
A turning of the tables, in a sense, and I’m very happy that I was able to enjoy it.
Open your laptop
The black keys are familiar.
Get on the Internet
Now it’s time to write
Now it’s time for your fingers to fly
Dashing away, trying to get every breath down
Writing, expressing, living through your words
I don’t write because someone has told me to
Because someone challenged me to
Because it simply makes me look a certain way
In order to comprehend the complexities of my own mind.
My mind is a three dimensional space of chaos
Putting pen to paper,
Fingers to keys,
My mind to others,
Forces me to lay everything out linearly,
It’s a type of therapy
Or a type of drug,
I can’t decide.
All I know is
I write to comprehend me
And I wouldn’t be able to without it
So I’m not going to stop anytime soon
Thank y’all so so much for reading this little poem. This one is for inspired4business, or Steve, who gave me the idea to write about what inspires me to write. I sorta changed it to why I write, but hey sometimes that happens. I love you all so so much, and I’m sorry for the later post. Have a beautiful day, I’ll talk to you tonight.
I love astronomy. I really do. If I wasn’t so into writing and reading, there is no question that that is what I would be doing in college. Last semester I took an intro to astronomy class and learned so much fucking stuff about space and it was awesome to say the least. This semester I am taking an astronomy lab that requires that intro class as a prereq, but satisfies my mandatory lab G.E. requirement. Today was our first class and it was the same simple spiel that you hear for every first day of class, “Here’s the syllabus, don’t cheat, the final and midterm are on these days…” I could go on. But since it’s a two and a half hour lab (meeting only once a week, thank the Lord) when the professor was done giving the stereotypical and expected speech she gave us our first lab and told us to just go at it.
To summarize it in a basic sense, it was calculating the circumference of the Earth mathematically the way that Eratosthenes did back in the day. Now understandably not everyone was ready for this and there was some group discussions going on and some people struggled with it. But me? I sat and did the lab quickly and quietly and as thoroughly as possible, finished the write up summary and turned it in with an hour of class left to spare.
I’m not saying this to be braggadocious or anything, I’m telling you this because since I left my class I went to library for some quiet time and decided to look up this Eratosthenes and discovered that he and I have a lot in common. We both love astronomy and basic trigonometric applications, theater, writing, poetry, music, and learning. And while I understand that broadly, yes, I have similar interests to this ancient Greek man, it was just surprising to me that there are and were other people like me who just can’t decide what they love the most.
In our polarized world, I find that there is a constant distinction between those who favor the fine arts and those who study science. As if one person could not enjoy both. I have found myself breaking this societal rule or common place ideology and have many times experienced people not being angry with me, but rather confused that I couldn’t just choose one side of the spectrum. It is not that simple.
I want every color of learning spectrum. My thirst for knowledge knows no bounds and even though I may grow tired after long days of working and studying, my desire to learn never goes away – even if I may vocally complain otherwise.
Please let me know if you have any comments or questions, anything you’d like to add or contribute to my very one sided discussion. I’m genuinely interested to know what you think, No One.
Okay so I know I’ve posted about it before, but in San Diego (where I live #bornandraised) we don’t get rain a lot so when it does rain everyone loses their fucking mind. Including me.
AND HOLY SHIT IT’S RAINING OUTSIDE AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE THE RUSTIC SMELL OF PETRICHOR IN THE AIR AND I LOVE THE GRAY CLOUDS AND THE SOUND OF RAIN PIT PATTERING ON CEMENT.
So yesterday and Friday.
Friday night I spent the night at my friend, A’s, new house and it was so much fun because she and I are just two old ladies when we get together. Honestly, we ate tons of pizza in bed, watched some game shows (Family Feud for life), and then fell asleep around 11. It’s probably one of my favorite sleepovers I’ve ever had to be honest.
Then Saturday morning I left A’s and went to pick up my sister from a sleepover she’d had with some of her coworkers. Then we went home and freshened up and went up to my friend, K’s, house for an afternoon of painting and food and laughter and general comiseration and therapy. It was absolutely delightful.
Then last night I cleaned my room and put in MY NEW BOOKCASE. It’s beautiful and I’m going to attach a photo of it and the end of this post.
Now today I’ve spent the majority of the day in bed, enjoying the quiet and relaxing before the week starts and talking to a few friends over in Europe who can’t talk during the week cuz of schedules and such.
I hope your day has been amazing, No One, and that you’re enoying whatever weather is afflicting where you live at the present moment. ❤
I can hardly breathe.
My lungs feel like they’re collapsing in on themselves
I hate the feeling.
I can hardly think
My thoughts focusing and refocusing on your absence
Like the focus of a camera
I miss your presence.
I can hardly see
Through the tears that well up in my eyes
As my heart is ripped apart from itself.
I can’t do this.
But you’re leaving.
All of you.
You’re all leaving
Don’t go, I don’t know
When I’ll see you again
If I’ll see you again
Looking the way you do
Full of life and a fire behind those eyes.
Don’t leave me
I can’t do this again.
And you’re gone.
And I’m here.
Crying over the people I love
Hating them for making me so
P.S. This is a very personal topic for me and it’s a very rough piece, but I’d appreciate some gentle critiques if any of you are willing to leave them. Thank you for reading this and I hope you aren’t judging me too harshly. It’s just been rough since Bobby left.
This is a poem written by me. Don’t steal it or I will be very pissed off. Thank you and I hope you enjoy the nostaglia I was feeling this morning.
Wafting through the air
I am assaulted by the smell of delicious cravings
Chocolate chip cookies baked by Bobby
Lemon bars laboriously brewed by my sister
Fresh peppermint bark that tantalizes my senses
And fills me with hunger and sugary delight
Then laying stagnant in the air
Our tree reminds me of a far off pine forest
That was once its home
Creating a nostalgia for a place I’ve never known
Christmases past were the scent of pine filled those energy wrought mornings
That I remember so fondly from my childhood
Then drifting hazily over it all
A hint of firewood burning accents the atmosphere
Brings warmth to my heart as I sit by the fireplace in thought
Pulls me back to cold winter nights when we all sat by the fire
Drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies
Reminds me of times long past
When everything was much simpler
When everything smelled so beautiful.
This poem is about rain and was written by myself. It isn’t great, but I do love rain and its contradictory nature. Be nice and I hope you enjoy the living shit out of it. This was also written for my ENGL280 class and is my original work.
Flying down the clouds
One hits my cheek and moves slowly down my face
The drop of water looking like a tear
But my mind is full of joy at the sight of
The clouds are gray and the weather is cold
Girls scream as their hair is ruined for the day
Not at their misery
But at the miracle
Life giving and replenishing
Water that Zeus himself designed
Every dot of rain that gives life
To my mind.
Warning: This poem is violent, sarcastic, and contains some thoughts of mine on my birthday regarding Hope related puns. It’s also very funny in my opinion so I hope you enjoy. It is also from my ENGL280 class and my original work.
ping- my phone rings
ping-the same word in capitals
ping-like “Hope” pun fractals
ping-repeating on my wall
ping-“Aunt Bertha said on your wall-“
ping-“HOPE you have a good birthday! ;D”
ping-comments Uncle Ray
ping-Hope you have a great day!
ping-Hope Hope Hope
ping-how about nope?
ping- stop it with your criminal pun
ping-I want to run
ping-Away from my phone, laptop, and tablet
ping-but instead I go to the cabinet
ping-and grab my daddy’s gun
bang bang bang- all done!
No more annoying name puns for me to see!
This is a spoken word poem I wrote for my ENGL280 class, be nice and I hope you all enjoy the shit out of it
The 2014 San Diego State Take Back the Night walk hoped to draw attention to sexual violence and rape culture inside of fraternity activities. Peaceful protestors who walked down “frat” row, received obscenities yelled at them, dildos waved from windows, and eggs thrown from passing cars –
In that moment, I felt hated
sickening ooze cracked through thin membrane
dribbled down my face.
Hey bitch, you know you wanted it
Idiots hollered from their houses
we walked slowly –
let the yellow rape culture
clear embryo trickle down our cheeks.
Our moment of solidarity