While today has been just a fine day, in fact, it was awesome to be back at my “home” school, I’ve felt this underlying uneasiness and angry confusion coming from deep within. We’ll to get to where I think that comes from in a minute. I’ve felt extremely proud and mystified almost and I’ll explain why in a mo.
But first I want to say thank you to everyone who liked today’s poem from earlier. Thank you so much ThatsAweSam for giving me such a great idea and letting me just run with it. Your poem set a new record for me:
So thank you very kindly, my new Internet friend.
Now onto why I am upset.
I think the root cause of it is I miss Bobby and C and A and E.
Although I talk to C almost everyday, I wish to just be in his presence again and feel his laugh touch my heart. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. A (C’s friend, not my band friend) has been so busy with his school and his girlfriend, so I can’t blame him for our lack of communication, but I just wish to hear from him.
E’s on vacation (her school has a spring break right now for reason) and I just want to call her, but I know she’s busy having fun in the sun making memories with her new college friends.
I think it’s Bobby who I am most distraught over. While yes we texted on Sunday, which was just fine and dandy, I just wish that I wasn’t the one reaching out to him all of the time and that for once he’d be the one to text me first and want to know about my day. I’m afraid that whenever I let myself love my friends, I feel like it’s a one sided thing and perhaps I’m just annoying them with my constant need for love, communication, and interaction. But honestly, it’s just these four, A, and my sister who I need this constancy from, no one else because I’m scared to be vulnerable to so many people.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense.
I just want to feel loved and secure in my friendships, to give love freely with those in whom I trust, and not feel like I’m the only one putting in any effort.
I just want a fucking phone call from any one of them. Is that too much to ask?
Sigh* In contrast, I am very proud of you and I today, No One. We’ve hit yet another milestone.
I suppose these will be coming more and more frequently now that I post almost twice daily, but it’s always a nice reminder of how far we’ve actually come.
For perspective, the last time I got one of these little WordPress badges (100 posts) was back in November ( https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2014/11/22/yet-another-milestone/ ). So yeah we’re doing pretty well for ourselves, my No One. And I really am quite proud of this little blog. Only two people from my normal life know about this little safe haven (and I did not give that knowledge away willingly, mind you) so that means that all of you beautiful people have just decided to follow me and listen to my pointless rants just because you find it interesting. And for that I am thankful and proud of us.
Y’all are the fucking bomb dot com.
So last night we hit another milestone, No One. I made my 100th blog post onto “A Blog About Hope” which is exciting.
And like I’m really proud of this, you little shits, it means we did something. Actually, I did something. You just sometimes read what I did which I mean is definitely cool, but you’re not doing the hard work.
Anyway, love you guys. Peace, one love, mother fuckers.
Okay, so let’s face it. It’s hard to commit.
To a project. To a friendship. To a relationship. To a book. To YouTube. To daily blogging. To school. To college. To God. To clubs. To whatever!
And I’m just speaking from personal experience! I can’t imagine some of the shit you must have been through, No One.
But I’ve been dedicated to being dedicated for a long time now to many different things, and I’m really proud of how I’ve been able to keep at things.
My tips for staying dedicated are pretty simple and clear, but it never hurts to hear them anyway:
- Remind yourself why you’re doing it. Reasons like “Everyone else is doing it” and “I feel like I should” are definitely iffy reasons and should be reconsidered to find better reasons. On the other hand, reasons like, “I want to get better at this” or “It will help me grow in this area of life” are better reasons to have!
- Celebrate the little victories. If you’re struggling with being dedicated to college, celebrate and congratulate yourself when you finishing reading a chapter for a class. If you’re struggling to be dedicated to God, pat yourself on the back when you take a minute out of your day to pray.
- Live in the moment. When it comes to dedication in relationships and friendships or writing books or doing homework, don’t think about the past or the future (even for a just a little bit) and enjoy the moment with that person or that thing and let yourself forget about everything else. Let it wash over you and revel in it. Then when the moment is passed and you’re back to feeling like you want to give up, go back to that happy moment. (This excludes abusive relationships obviously)
- Be proud of yourself. Even if you’ve just finished writing a thousand words or you went to that club meeting that you didn’t really want to go to but you did, then be happy about it! Tell people that you went out and did a thing and trust me, people will be proud and happy for you. When you tell people about the going ons in your life, not only will they get invested in the thing, but you will be too!
- Spend time with the thing. The more time that you spend doing something or being with someone, the more emotionally invested you’ll be in it. This investment can and will transfer over into hardwork and dedication because you want the thing to work out because of all of that emotional investment. Spending time can be as little as five minutes of writing when you have some free time or ten minute phone conversation to check up with someone.
See these things. These are good things. I think the biggest thing to being dedicated is the amount of time you allocate toward it. The more time, then the more dedicated you’ll be and hopefully the happier you’ll be. We all suck sometimes and that might deter us from committment to things that might be really great for us. But today, I’m telling you. GO DO THE THING.
Now I know I have some talented friends. But it feels like every other day one of them does something to remind me of that. For example, a couple weeks ago my friend, C (the one who goes to Cal Baptist University), programmed a robot to play music on the piano. Another one made a 3D model of a high tech bridge or something fancy and complicated like that. And now tonight, my friend, R (never before mentioned on this blog so yay), performed at a local coffee shop.
She wrote, recorded, and performed an entire album when she was just 17, but tonight was the first night that I’d gone to one of her solo performances where she performed the entire album by herself, acoustically. And holy shit, she was amazing. She’s always been an extremely talented musician and I’ve always known that, but tonight was just like a wake up call to remind me of how lucky I am to be her friend and to be able to work with her and to be able to perform and make music with her.
My pride and sheer dumb luck is practically beyond words. If you want to check her out, I’ll leave some links below. She didn’t ask me to say anything to you guys, I just genuinely think you, No One, would like her.
I am just so proud
I have so many papers due this week and fingers have just been flying across my keyboard all day.
I have literally been at the same coffee shop for five hours and I’ve finished one paper, half way through my second, and I’ve finished taking notes on a novel.
All the meanwhile I’ve been uploading a daily vlog that I filmed the other day and drinking coffee and tea.
I’m so tired but I’m so fucking proud of myself for getting so much done.
Peace out, No One, once I’m done with this, I’m going home for some much needed dinner and finger rest.
I did a thing, No One. Here is my thing.
Did you guess the thing? No? Here is another hint.
If you haven’t guess it by now, I’m going to tell you.
I have dyed my hair, No One.
For the first time ever, I’m a brunette and HOLY FLYING FUCK IS IT GREAT.
Can I tell you a story? I’m going to tell you a story.
Long, long ago, back in January, I was in a relationship. This guy was not the best. But hey, guess what? He was my first boyfriend and I thought I loved him (I’m now convinced that I didn’t know what love was). So everything in my life, revolved around his approval, like the good gender stereotype that I fit into.
But one day, I ask myself, “Oh wow, Hope, wouldn’t you look great with darker hair?” to which I replied, “Fuck yeah, I’d look great with dark hair. Oh man, I want to dye my hair!”
Now, I’ve dyed my hair in the past. I’m a natural dirty blonde so I’ve done some lemon juice recipes to give myself some highlights and I was a redhead during the second semester of junior year and I’ve even attempted to dye my hair purple (it failed, but I tried). So you see, I’m clearly the adventurous type.
But at that point in the relationship, I ran everything by this cracker, so one day, I’m texting him and I say, “You know, babe, I’ve been thinking about dyeing my hair darker and chopping it off. Maybe brown or black. What would you do?”
To which he replied, “Probably break up with you… Don’t dye or cut your hair.”
Not wanting to be broken up with, I agreed to not dye my hair and not to cut it.
Flas forward a few months and he and I have broken up cuz one day I finally realized how bad the relationship was. One of the first things I do is start thinking about dyeing my hair.
I still wanted to! And now nothing was holding me back!
Thank the Lord, my best friend, A, talked me off of that ledge. She told me that while yes I’d look great with darker hair, you should never do something to spite someone else and you should never undergo a dramatic change during an emotional time period. Plus I had senior pictures coming up and prom and what if it didn’t look right and and and- so I agreed to wait.
Now to July. I got my senior photo with my long, crazy, out of control blonde hair. I went to prom with my long blonde locks falling down my back. My blonde hair was a mane coming out of my graduation cap at graduation. Now, I had no excuses to put it off.
In fact, I was in a weird friendship/ relationship thing with this kid, Harry (see https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2014/05/12/weird-people-are-weird/ for more backstory), and I mentioned it to him. Trying to see if my long blonde hair was the ony thing guys found attractive in me. And you know what he said? “Fucking go for it if that’s what you want.”
Now shit like that is why TO THIS DAY I love Harry. He never said, “Oh yesss, you’d look so hot.” or “No, your blonde hair is your best feature” or anything like that. Harry just wanted me to be happy.
So about a week later I chopped off fourteen inches of hair and happily donated it to Locks of Love. And holy shit, I could not STOP LAUGHING while I was sitting in the hair dresser’s chair as she chopped off my hair.
I wasn’t laughing cuz I felt like I was making a mistake. I was laughing because I felt so free.
Free from that God awful relationship with that guy back in January. Free from hours upon hours of hair maintenance every fucking morning. Free from that stereotype of that happy, long blonde haired ASB president that had followed me around and upset me greatly during high school. Free from any preconceived notions that people might have had of me.
I felt whole.
Except, I never dyed it. And let’s face it, that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to be rid of those fucking stupid blonde jokes! Because let’s face it, I’M A CERTIFIED AND PROVEN GENIUS BUT EVERY DAY I GOT DUMB BLONDE JOKES.
I was fucking done with people SUGGESTING that my intelligence was based off of my hair color. And it’s not that I wanted to dissociate myself from blondes. I still identify as a blonde who just so happened to dye her hair brown for the fall and winter months.
So fuck off, and let me have my dark, short hair. And fuck off and let me do my own thing. And fuck off with your stereotypes, tropes, and hurtful conforming ways, cuz I’m fucking done with it. Consider this me putting my foot down and looking like whatever the fuck I want to look like and being whoever the fuck I am and doing whatever the fuck I want. Because this is what I want, so I’m getting it.
Now I know it must seem like I never stop talking about how many goodbyes I’ve been having to make, but hopefully this was the last one.
My best friend probably ever, Bobby, leaves for bootcamp on Monday and tonight was his Going Away party. I’ve only ever seen buddy get emotional so many times in my life, but never like tonight. It finally hit both of us that this is it- he’s leaving. I’m not going to have my best friend just down the street to talk to whenever I’m having a shitty day. He’s not going to have that weird blonde chick that he’s known his entire life wanting to hang out with him every second of the day. We are nothing alike, but we wouldn’t be the same people if we didn’t know each other. He has been my rock. The person I always go to when something just isn’t right. He taught me how to love myself again after my break up. He took me to prom and made that night so great. He told me to come over to his place so we could talk cuz my texts were sounding moody and upset. He taught me how to ride a bike when I was eight. He taught me that rejection doesn’t have anything to do with me. He was my best friend when we started junior high school together and when we didn’t know anyone. He makes me laugh when I can feel the tears brimming. He encouraged me to start working out and having a healthier diet. He stayed my friend even when I wasn’t the best to him. He’s made God knows how many toasts to me and our friendship.
We’ve had so many adventures and heartaches and drinks and laughs and cries and highs and lows together. And I mean, TOGETHER. And saying goodbye tonight just reminded me of all of those.
I keep thinking about the quote from Harry Potter, “I open at the close”. Maybe J.K. doesn’t have to be talking about death. Maybe she’s talking about goodbyes and memories. All the memories made are remembered at the end of an era. A reminiscent sort of thought that probably won’t make sense to anyone besides me.
I love you, Buddy, if you ever read this. I am so proud of you and I am so beyond grateful for our friendship. Please know that I will always love you and be proud of you, no matter where you go or what you do. And know that I will always be here for you- in ten years, in twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty years I don’t care! You are my best friend.