I feel like I’ve accidentally turned into a Bed and Breakfast. Yesterday, I came home after work and a dentist appointment and my lovely boyfriend had spent the day lounging about my house, eating, showering, watching Netflix, and relaxing. I was more than elated to see him even if had made me giggle a little bit that he’d been relaxing in my house, by himself all day.
Last night, he couldn’t spend the night again and me, fearing the dark and being alone, invited my friend to spend the night. We had spaghetti and drank wine and caught up on life because we hadn’t seen each other since early January, but then I left this morning after having made her coffee, given her doughnuts, cleaning the bathtub so she could use a bath bomb and relax, and leaving a key for her to lock the door behind her.
Again, the idea that she’s at my house just relaxing enjoying her morning makes me giggle a little bit and feel only a little weird, but this girl has been my friend for years so I trust her and I know she’s not gonna burn the house down.
Even still, it’s an odd and funny situation that I’ve deeply enjoyed and gotten some joy out of.
Who knows? Maybe this is who I should’ve been all along! Just a Bed and Breakfast host. I bet I’d make fucking bank.
Obviously I tell you, No One, a lot about my life, but I think one thing that you might not understand is that I just don’t REALLY open up all that much with my friends. Best friends, sure, but it takes a lot to get me to talk and that’s how I like it.
But tonight I hung out with A and her boyfriend and I really felt like I could be open with them so I was and they were open right back. A has shared a lot with me in the past, but I don’t know if I’ve ever truly compensated until tonight which was both refreshing and relieving in a sense.
Just generally I had a really great night with those two. They hardly ever make me feel like the third wheel (and if they do, I know it’s on accident) and we’re just always laughing and enjoying each other’s simple company. I love every second, No One, I really do.
I hope you had a great day and evening. My eyelids are getting heavy so I’m gonna go to bed, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow. ❤
While today has been just a fine day, in fact, it was awesome to be back at my “home” school, I’ve felt this underlying uneasiness and angry confusion coming from deep within. We’ll to get to where I think that comes from in a minute. I’ve felt extremely proud and mystified almost and I’ll explain why in a mo.
But first I want to say thank you to everyone who liked today’s poem from earlier. Thank you so much ThatsAweSam for giving me such a great idea and letting me just run with it. Your poem set a new record for me:
So thank you very kindly, my new Internet friend.
Now onto why I am upset.
I think the root cause of it is I miss Bobby and C and A and E.
Although I talk to C almost everyday, I wish to just be in his presence again and feel his laugh touch my heart. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. A (C’s friend, not my band friend) has been so busy with his school and his girlfriend, so I can’t blame him for our lack of communication, but I just wish to hear from him.
E’s on vacation (her school has a spring break right now for reason) and I just want to call her, but I know she’s busy having fun in the sun making memories with her new college friends.
I think it’s Bobby who I am most distraught over. While yes we texted on Sunday, which was just fine and dandy, I just wish that I wasn’t the one reaching out to him all of the time and that for once he’d be the one to text me first and want to know about my day. I’m afraid that whenever I let myself love my friends, I feel like it’s a one sided thing and perhaps I’m just annoying them with my constant need for love, communication, and interaction. But honestly, it’s just these four, A, and my sister who I need this constancy from, no one else because I’m scared to be vulnerable to so many people.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense.
I just want to feel loved and secure in my friendships, to give love freely with those in whom I trust, and not feel like I’m the only one putting in any effort.
I just want a fucking phone call from any one of them. Is that too much to ask?
Sigh* In contrast, I am very proud of you and I today, No One. We’ve hit yet another milestone.
I suppose these will be coming more and more frequently now that I post almost twice daily, but it’s always a nice reminder of how far we’ve actually come.
For perspective, the last time I got one of these little WordPress badges (100 posts) was back in November ( https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2014/11/22/yet-another-milestone/ ). So yeah we’re doing pretty well for ourselves, my No One. And I really am quite proud of this little blog. Only two people from my normal life know about this little safe haven (and I did not give that knowledge away willingly, mind you) so that means that all of you beautiful people have just decided to follow me and listen to my pointless rants just because you find it interesting. And for that I am thankful and proud of us.
Y’all are the fucking bomb dot com.
One of my few best friends who still lives in San Diego with me, A, and I hung out today and talked about the future. She is one of the best people in my life in my honest opinion and such a huge inspiration to me. She was the one who encouraged me to go out and get a job and (even though we wouldn’t see each other to her dismay) encourages me every day to continue my travelling dreams. Amongst her encouragement and inspiration, we are also very much each other’s support systems. She’s quite the introvert and while she has a great family and a good enough boyfriend, I’m one of her few friends and probably her best friend, besides one of her sisters. I am there for her as much as she is there for me and she is one of those friends who genuinely listens to you when you tell her every aspect of your day and who genuinely cares about it.
Okay okay, sorry, I know I just ranted about her for a moment. So anyway, we hung out today and we’re planning some really cool and exciting things for ourselves musically. We met through the band that I’m in and we’ve been on and off discussing branching out and trying to do a cover band with some other people, in the past. But we’ve both decided that we’re kind of fed up waiting for everyone to be ready to make this band, so we’re going to start it ourselves.
This week both of us are going to finding songs that we want to sing together and hopefully we’ll get the music for em and practice and then record them and put them up onto YouTube. The goal is have five or six covers recorded before we start posting so that we can almost guarantee weekly covers.
AND I’M JUST REALLY FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT IT.
A is such an amazing singer, bass player, pianist, guitarist, etc., and I’m really excited to work on something with someone I love and who loves me back.
We just want to make music together, so we’re gonna.
P.S. Don’t forget tomorrow morning at 10 am PST, I will be choosing the winners of yesterday’s poem giveaway! So make sure you’ve liked yesterday’s rant so that I can put your name in the drawing! 🙂 https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/poem-giveaway/
No I don’t feel unappreciated. Rather, sometimes I feel like perhaps I underestimate or devalue a person’s friendship. Or in today’s case, multiple friendships.
Tonight I caught up with three amazing friends, A, J, and T. A is an old friend from middle school onward and she is just a rock and after work today I just decided that I wanted to see her, so I called and we hung out for about an hour before she had to go and it was fucking great! Then J and T are two of my metaphorical brothers and I love them so much, but we hardly get the chance to hang out. Tonight we went out and got fro-yo and Sonic Slushes with them and I had so much fucking fun that I can’t stop smiling and feeling good.
And today/ tonight just made me realize that perhaps I forget about them and their beautiful, deeply rooted friendships when I’m consumed in my attacks or bouts of loneliness. While a saddening, sobering fact I think I’ve realized what I need to do when I feel one of these situations coming on again – I have to fill it with them. Them and other friends in my life who just want to have a good time with me and be happy with me.
Because that’s all I really want – to be happy.
Unfortunately, today has felt like one of those that I just pine away after my loved ones that aren’t physically with me right now. I don’t really know what triggered today’s emotions, usually there’s a specific cause, which is frustrating and quite annoying. True, I didn’t have a panic attack, but I think that this is because I haven’t let myself get alone with my emotions instead I have relied on being around the kids at work, being at home with my sister, in class, or working on homework, whatever have you.
But whenever I have a free moment my mind wanders and my heart begins to hurt all over again.
Why can’t I just be with Bobby everyday? Or at least see him once a week? Why can’t I hug Caleb and Austin as they make me laugh like they always do? Why why why why why?!
I don’t know, No One. I just wish they were here with me or I was there with them.
So we all like to be with friends. Unless you’re a completely antisocial (which is totes fine), I assume you’ve been struck with the question, “Yeah, but what do you want to do?”
My friend, J, and I were talking about this concept and reasoning behind this question and we’ve kinda come to the conclusion of this.
There are primarily two types of friends in the world: doers and talkers. Both are equally awesome and great.
Doers like to do things and go out with their friends with specific goals, destinations, or plans to see.
Talkers are the friends like J and I who simply prefer to sit and talk and have deep meaningful conversations.
Not to say that the time spent amongst doers isn’t meaningful, it just doesn’t necessarily involve verbalizing meaning.
Now the question, “What do you want to do?” and the following “Oh I don’t know, what do you want to do?” followed by some awkward silence is typically the result of a doer and a talker coming together and trying to be friends. Sometimes it works! With some compromise and understanding of what the other friend wants, doers and talkers can have friendships. But it can also be very difficult and awkward to go through a rough patch in a friendship like that.
Just some thoughts for you to think about, No One. Let me know your thoughts if you have any down below.
As a person who (yes) experiences separation anxiety, Skype has become a pretty great friend of mine. And no this isn’t an advertisement or anything, I could say the same for FaceTime or Hangouts or whatever have you. But specifically Skype has been pretty fucking stellar on days like today.
I’d had a rough day at work and school was just kinda “eh” so when I came home tonight I was pretty jazzed to remember that C, A, and S, were going to Skype me tonight for a little while. Talking to them and seeing their little, pixellated bodies on the screen was really awesome and although we only talked for about an hour, I was happy for the little amount of time that we got to spend together. It’s not every day that I get to do that and I’m so happy that I was able to today.
With all good things, there are drawbacks however. While I love seeing my friends on my screen and talking to them for extended periods of time, it’s almost tantalizing to see them and to not be able to reach out and touch them.
This being said, I have been thinking about going up to visit them (seeing as they’re the closest friends that I experience separation anxiety with and seeing them every once in a while alleviates the stress immensely) perhaps for Valentine’s day. I still have to run it by my parents and then of course ask if it’d be okay for me to join them for the holiday/ that Saturday. I think it’d be a nice thing and then the next time I would go up and visit would be for C’s 19th birthday in the middle of March.
Sound like a decent plan? I think so.
Thanks for letting me rant at you today, No One, so sorry if it isn’t intensely thought provoking as per usual. 😄
Today I got to visit my best friends, C and A, up at their university (Cal Baptist University) about an hour and a half away and it was awesome to see them. I think I might have mentioned it before, but I decided this past Sunday that I needed to visit them and be with my two of my closest friends so I invited myself up and I’m really glad I did. I got there at around 1:30 and was greeted by A, A’s girlfriend, and their cute friend, S, who is just a sweetheart and so freaking fineee. We walked around, taking the scenic route, and made it back to their dorms where we met up with C and two of their other friends, G and J. From there they just all showed me around their tiny little school (the full tour lasted about twenty minutes to go around the whole campus) and then we parted ways with S (he had other commitments) and visited the downtown area of the little suburban jungle surrounding the campus which proved absolutely delightful.
It felt amazing to be back with them and to be able to laugh and be dorky and talk and walk around and just be friends. I really do need that kind of physical contact nowadays and I am so happy that I’ve been able to give myself that with my friends who love me and understand that sometimes I need their help in order to feel better and to feel completely calm. And I did today, which I am so happy to report to you, No One.
But now I must go to bed, for I am waking up at seven A.M. tomorrow to go visit Bobby with his step mom and father. I can hardly wait 🙂
You guessed it! I went to a CPR Training class today! Oh y-you didn’t guess that? Oh well shit, I thought it was obvious by the title. Huh- well this is awkward now isn’t it?
Anywayy, yes! I took a CPR training class today for my job and I obviously learned a lot about CPR and and first aid and blah blah blah, but I think the most shocking thing that I learned from the class/ workshop thing was the fact that when you are doing CPR you should break a rib in the first couple of pumps otherwise you aren’t helping. The ribs are there to protect the internal organs and since you’re trying to get access to those same internal organs (namely the heart) you have to get rid of the thing covering them. Logistically, yes it makes sense. But when I had to press on a dummy and the instructor watching me told me to push with more force so as to mimic the force needed to break a rib, it fucking freaked me out! I obviously understand the importance, but I just can’t imagine breaking someone’s ANYTHING let alone their ribs when I’m just trying to help them in the first place. Just a weird thought.
And then of course, after the CPR training there was a complimentary taco truck outside that was PHENOMENAL. Like what the even heck. Who said that they could make street tacos that well?!
Additionally, the rest of my day was pretty hectic as usual. I didn’t have work today which was nice, but I did babysit the two year old that I’ve mentioned previously. Then after that I met up with a friend from my theater company back in the day (and by day, I mean last year) and caught up which was lovely then met up with ANOTHER friend and got coffee and talked for about four hours without loosing the conversation.
That friend is really a great friend and I’m really happy that we got to spend so much time together. I don’t think we’ve ever hung out for that long together by ourselves. Usually there are other people involved, but tonight was just a chance for us to chill and talk, something the two of us are good at when we get together. He and I have had our struggles with each other more than most of my other friendships, but I think those rough patches that we have experienced have only made us into better friends and better people because of it. If that makes any sense.
It was just a lovely time and I had a lovely evening and a lovely day even if I got up earlier than I wanted to. But today was good and I am so fucking grateful for that. And hopefully tomorrow will be too.