I feel like I’ve accidentally turned into a Bed and Breakfast. Yesterday, I came home after work and a dentist appointment and my lovely boyfriend had spent the day lounging about my house, eating, showering, watching Netflix, and relaxing. I was more than elated to see him even if had made me giggle a little bit that he’d been relaxing in my house, by himself all day.
Last night, he couldn’t spend the night again and me, fearing the dark and being alone, invited my friend to spend the night. We had spaghetti and drank wine and caught up on life because we hadn’t seen each other since early January, but then I left this morning after having made her coffee, given her doughnuts, cleaning the bathtub so she could use a bath bomb and relax, and leaving a key for her to lock the door behind her.
Again, the idea that she’s at my house just relaxing enjoying her morning makes me giggle a little bit and feel only a little weird, but this girl has been my friend for years so I trust her and I know she’s not gonna burn the house down.
Even still, it’s an odd and funny situation that I’ve deeply enjoyed and gotten some joy out of.
Who knows? Maybe this is who I should’ve been all along! Just a Bed and Breakfast host. I bet I’d make fucking bank.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
Timing is life.”
-A little boy during a beginner guitar class at my music school
I think I don’t laugh enough anymore. And I’m not talking about those polite chuckles I might sometimes give my coworkers when their jokes aren’t all that funny. I’m talking gut wrenching, can’t breathe, I’m on the ground I’m laughing so fucking hard laughter.
So when something odd or hilarious makes me laugh, I honestly revel in that moment. I think we all do. Going back and reliving those hilarious moments is an ordinary thing in my opinion, but I don’t think that we should limit ourselves to humor we find in the everyday. Cuz let’s face it, the everyday isn’t always funny. But the Internet is. So that’s why I wanted to give you, No One, a couple funny videos that I find hilarious and hopefully you’ll find funny too. Yes, I realize a good chunk of these are by Olan Rogers and no, I will not apologize, because he is a hilarious man who makes hilarious content.
I hope you enjoy!
If you fall off the horse, do not get back on because horses are really scary.”
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It’s pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.”
Agent Carter. Agent Carter. Agent Carter. Agent Carter. Agent Carter.”
Yep today I was carded. Why you ask? Cuz I did something very adult-y. I bought a hookah pen. I’ve been into hookah for almost a year and a half now and I’ve taken many breaks from it just out of either necessity or I fell out of interest with it. But recently I’ve thought about buying my own (previously, I’ve simply used friends’) and today I drove by a smoke shop and kinda said “Fuck it” and turned around and bought one for myself. The guy in there was super nice and felt bad about asking for I.D., but I proudly presented it to be honest. And yeah. That was kinda the highlight of my day so I thought y’all ought to know XD Much love to you, No One.
Warning: This poem is violent, sarcastic, and contains some thoughts of mine on my birthday regarding Hope related puns. It’s also very funny in my opinion so I hope you enjoy. It is also from my ENGL280 class and my original work.
ping- my phone rings
ping-the same word in capitals
ping-like “Hope” pun fractals
ping-repeating on my wall
ping-“Aunt Bertha said on your wall-“
ping-“HOPE you have a good birthday! ;D”
ping-comments Uncle Ray
ping-Hope you have a great day!
ping-Hope Hope Hope
ping-how about nope?
ping- stop it with your criminal pun
ping-I want to run
ping-Away from my phone, laptop, and tablet
ping-but instead I go to the cabinet
ping-and grab my daddy’s gun
bang bang bang- all done!
No more annoying name puns for me to see!
Now the only version of Hope that you guys, my readers, see is the cool, articulate version of Hope.
That is not always me.
I am actually quite famous amongst my friends for having awkward encounters especially with complete strangers.
In order to illustrate to you more eloquently what I’m trying to say, I’ll provide you with a brief glimpse in my most recent, awkward encounter.
So I’m sitting in my HIST101 class this morning.
I’m fucking tired and hot cuz the walk to class was long and the heat was already intense for 10:30 in the morning.
I’m just trying to sit on tumblr inconspicuously in the back of the classroom with the other students who are ten thousand percent done with class.
Then in the middle of the lecture, my neighbor, C, was spinning his highlight and it fell out of his hand and on to the ground near me.
He looked down and muttered, “Oh great,” then looked up at me almost expectantly.
I just awkwardly give a half chuckle and stare down at the highlighter until he quietly gets up from his seat and picks it up.
MIND YOU, HIS FUCKING HIGHLIGHTER IS RIGHT NEXT TO ME. IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN 0.2 EFFORT TO PICK IT UP, BUT I DIDN’T.
I just suck at life, okay?
I’ve done fucked up.