Open your laptop
The black keys are familiar.
Get on the Internet
Now it’s time to write
Now it’s time for your fingers to fly
Dashing away, trying to get every breath down
Writing, expressing, living through your words
I don’t write because someone has told me to
Because someone challenged me to
Because it simply makes me look a certain way
In order to comprehend the complexities of my own mind.
My mind is a three dimensional space of chaos
Putting pen to paper,
Fingers to keys,
My mind to others,
Forces me to lay everything out linearly,
It’s a type of therapy
Or a type of drug,
I can’t decide.
All I know is
I write to comprehend me
And I wouldn’t be able to without it
So I’m not going to stop anytime soon
Thank y’all so so much for reading this little poem. This one is for inspired4business, or Steve, who gave me the idea to write about what inspires me to write. I sorta changed it to why I write, but hey sometimes that happens. I love you all so so much, and I’m sorry for the later post. Have a beautiful day, I’ll talk to you tonight.
I did an adult thing today, No One! I got my first credit card! My dad had to co-sign it (which sucks cuz I want to be more independent) so that I’d get approved and right now it’s all about building good credit and being a responsible member of society and all of that other boring shit. So that’s great and I went to another gig last night for my band which was awesome and made me ridiculously happy to see all of my friends up on stage, kicking ass. It just makes me want to perform and play more. While I love writing and reading, music is my inspiration and a true passion of mine and I’m so lucky that I get to share my passion with such amazing and talented people.
And although all of this is great and I’m feeling really great and happy, I feel weird. Maybe today has just been a weird day, but I just feel inadequate as of late. I think it’s because I miss Bobby and Caleb and Emma, and I haven’t talked to them recently. And maybe also because of the weirdness of yesterday’s events. I just don’t like feeling so weirdly troubled when I’m alone with my thoughts.
Yep today I was carded. Why you ask? Cuz I did something very adult-y. I bought a hookah pen. I’ve been into hookah for almost a year and a half now and I’ve taken many breaks from it just out of either necessity or I fell out of interest with it. But recently I’ve thought about buying my own (previously, I’ve simply used friends’) and today I drove by a smoke shop and kinda said “Fuck it” and turned around and bought one for myself. The guy in there was super nice and felt bad about asking for I.D., but I proudly presented it to be honest. And yeah. That was kinda the highlight of my day so I thought y’all ought to know XD Much love to you, No One.
I mean, at first I was really confused and worried and nervous, but then I saw a little kid doing something he shouldn’t have been doing and something just took over me and I snapped at him to get down and suddenly all of the kids looked at me and realzied that I was working there now. I guess it’s about commanding respect while still having fun with the kids (that’s at least what my boss told me before my shift started) and goddam did I have fun.
It is weird hearing a little kid call me “Ms. Hope” and then ask me if they can go to the bathroom or whatever, but I think I’m going to get used to it.
Thus far all of my coworkers are pretty nice! My boss is angel and I love her so much already. She’s been one of my sister’s best friends for a while so she just loves me. And I have a partner I guess (at least for this week) and he’s been working as a Child Care Assistant for a while. He’s already starting to show me the ropes and we already bonded over the released set list for Coachella (http://www.coachella.com/lineup/) and he just seems like a crazy, fun guy.
No One, I am so excited. I really hope it isn’t just newb jitters that have me so pumped about this job.
Hey, No One. Okay, you deserve an explaination. The last time that I talked to you was Christmas Eve. Oh my God. That was such a long time ago.
I gave out Christmas presents to my friends that day and visited my aunt and uncle’s house for their annual Christmas Eve party. All of which was great and dandy. My Marine loved his letter that I wrote to him and I gave him a wallet sized photo of the two of us at prom. My second family all loved their letters too and I gave them bigger photos of us for them to have. I didn’t have a lot of money this year for Christmas presents and the like. My uncle’s house wasn’t all that bad considering that family is my least favorite of my cousins and aunts and uncles. But we had an okay time and played games and ate tamales and it was good.
Christmas, Hannah got sick. After we were done opening presents and we had had some lunch, she wasn’t feeling great and I’d been fighting off a cold all week and that day was a losing day in the battle. But we all still went to my grandma’s house for Christmas dinner as is our tradition and it was okay. We played some fun games until Hannah went into the back bedroom to rest because her illness was really getting to her. And then I was left without anyone to be with. It just wasn’t all that great. There were other things that happened, but I don’t want to talk about them to be honest, No One.
The next day we drove the Las Vegas. This has been a family tradition for a few years in a row now and the drive was okay. I read the Notebook and listened to music and tried tuning out my sister’s coughing and it was okay. When we finally got to the Flamingo everyone was tired but I decided to go out with my favorite aunt and her family and get tipsy on the Strip and hang out with them. It was fun, but Hannah stayed up in the room until dinner when she came down and met us.
The next day, Hannah and I took our time getting ready and when we finally left the hotel room it was almost two in the afternoon XD We just went over to Caesar’s Palace and did a little shopping and bought some stuff for myself and then we went back to the hotel and to drop off our bags then we went a met up with one of my dad’s best friends from college- B.
B is an amazing man and one of my favorite people in the world, but I only ever to get to see him when we go and visit Vegas. It was nice to see him and we got some snacks and went to a Polaroid museum and then we went our separate ways again.
The rest of that night, my parents and I went to a little cafe downstairs and ate soup and then I went to bed.
The next day we packed up and went to lunch with B and it was awesome to just hang out again, but this time we were warm in a nice sports bar outside of Vegas. My sister and mother did a little shopping and I found a coffee shop to sit at and write while my dad and B gambled at a little casino. But then we left and got stuck in some shitty traffic trying to leave Vegas, but we did finally get home after I had read some more books and listened to some more music and tuned out more of my sister’s coughing.
That was Sunday.
Monday was awful.
My sister has been dating this boy, AJ, for over a year and on Monday morning they were going to go for a walk but instead he came over at 9 o’clock in the morning and broke up with her on our doorstep. The rest of that day was pretty much dedicated to helping her get through it. We talked for hours on end while she cried (my father and I talked to her) and we took her to the zoo and triedjust getting her mind off of it cuz she wasn’t doing well. We took her down to Little Italy (our family’s favorite place in SD) and even that didn’t really cheer her up. It was rough. She barely ate.
The next day started out not so great either but she went to a friend’s house and hung out with her. Then she came home and my mom was there and they talked for a while before she left for another friend’s company. My dad and I went to the casino that night to try to not think about it all and we actually won quite a bit of money which was truly awesome.
Wednesday was New Years Eve. The first part of the day I spent with Hannah and our friend Brenda and Brenda’s baby girl, L, which was great. Hannah didn’t cry at all which was huge growth and we had a good time. She even ate. But when we left Brenda’s, Hannah was crying again until I left the house to go bowling with my Marine and our friends. That was okay. Our friends weren’t being all that great but I had an okay time and it was important for me to see Buddy happy and he was.
Then I came home and quickly left to go say hi to a friend (with Hannah) who had just turned 21 (her birthday is new year’s eve) and who was very tipsy and happy to see me. We stayed for a while but we left before nine so we could celebrate the East coast new year with our parents. We drank some champagne and toasted to 2014 and 2015 and it was all good and traditional. Then my parents left to go out with some of their friends and Hannah and I stayed home and watched Neftflix until Hannah fell asleep at 11:30. I’m not gonna lie I had been dirnking that night and Buddy was supposed to come over but he didn’t cuz he had been drinking too and he didn’t want to drink and drive. So I celebrated the coming of the new year by myself. Talking to my camera actually. I want to post that last fifteen minutes of 2014 and first minute or so of 2015, but Idk, I feel like it’s a little personal. Maybe one day.
The next day was Buddy’s last day home before going back to what I like to call Bootcamp 2.0. I wanted to just be with him all day but I had to wait until he was home and ready to hang out with me. So in the mean time I went with Hannah to one of friend’s girls nights and had some fun playing games and talking to Hannah’s friends. She was having a good time and that’s all that is important to me. After a while I left and told buddy I was coming over. He was home with a couple of his Marine friends who were staying the night cuz they were going back the same day and we decided to go bowling together. His friends are great, I love them already. And let me tell you, I was so grateful that they went with us. I had left something in buddy’s truck we got to the bowling alley so I just asked him if I could borrow his keys to get what I needed out. NBD right? Wrong. He has apparently one of those old trucks that uses two different keys. One for the door, one for the ignition. I used the ignition key for the door and accidentally broke the key. I WASN’T EVEN PULLING THAT HARD, IT JUST FUCKING SNAPPED. I was so embarassed and felt so bad (I still do mind you) because we had to wait like two hours for a locksmith to come and make us a new key and by the time we left the bowling alley Buddy’s wallet was down more than two hundred dollars and it was almost 12:30 in the morning.
When we finally got back to his place, I watched his friends to make sure they weren’t too loud while he went and ran an errand that he needed to do for the morning. When he finally got back, he was packing up his stuff, his buddies were already passed out and I was sitting on the couch It hit like 1:15 and I started getting texts from my parents and I was forced to leave. Which was not fun to say the least. I thought Buddy leaving the first time was hard, but saying goodbye to him again out in the cold at 1:30 in the morning I couldn’t stop the tears. I barely slept that night and even though we talked it out and he reassured me about all of my worries and doubts and fears and made sure that I knew how much he loved me, my heart still hurts, No One.
Yesterday, I hung out with Hannah a lot during the day. Which was great because I love her and she needed it. But then later i went to my music lesson which was so refreshing to be back at the studio with my friends who know and love me and support in EVERYTHING I do. And then after that I went to my friend’s, E’s, house and saw her for the first time in over six months. Saw her, talked to her, hugged her, laughed with her, cried with her, and generally caught up with her. And I fucking needed that.
Now it is Saturday and I am going to go out with Dad and probably go gambling again (XD) and hopefully see a friend from the studio tonight.
If you made it through all of the above I congratulate you and apologize for my ramble.
I love you, No One, thank you for being my back bone.
This is a poem written by me. Don’t steal it or I will be very pissed off. Thank you and I hope you enjoy the nostaglia I was feeling this morning.
Wafting through the air
I am assaulted by the smell of delicious cravings
Chocolate chip cookies baked by Bobby
Lemon bars laboriously brewed by my sister
Fresh peppermint bark that tantalizes my senses
And fills me with hunger and sugary delight
Then laying stagnant in the air
Our tree reminds me of a far off pine forest
That was once its home
Creating a nostalgia for a place I’ve never known
Christmases past were the scent of pine filled those energy wrought mornings
That I remember so fondly from my childhood
Then drifting hazily over it all
A hint of firewood burning accents the atmosphere
Brings warmth to my heart as I sit by the fireplace in thought
Pulls me back to cold winter nights when we all sat by the fire
Drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies
Reminds me of times long past
When everything was much simpler
When everything smelled so beautiful.
Here in “Sun” Diego, the Sun is hiding behind quite the large sum of clouds. Honestly, it just looks like a big fluffy comforter of clouds just hanging above the hills.
While most of the time I don’t particularly like dark days (because well, the Sun isn’t out and I live in San Diego just for that reason), today I’m actually enjoying the gray and the cold. It’s practically refreshing compared to the hot and humid days we were experiencing over the summer and even into late September and early October.
Plus, when the weather is like this and the Sun peeks out from behind the clouds or a spot of blue sky is visible for a split second, it forces me to stop and appreciate the sky. Forces me to take note of the otherwise ordinary and appreciate it for what it is.
What in the actual fuck, I hit 75 followers today while I was out gambling my money away? Thank you, No One, that’s really cool that 75 of you are following my life with me. I really appreciate it. When I first decided to come back to this blog in May, I just wanted somewhere to write and rant about my problems and I never thought that people would actually want to read it. So thanks for reading and stay awesome as usual, my friends. If we ever get to 100, I’m entirely sure what I’ll do but I’m sure it’ll probably involve a heart attack and tears.