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Relaxed and Daydreaming

Today I feel relaxed. I genuinely do. That’s not an easy thing for me to feel lately, so that’s why I feel like it’s note worthy. I relaxed all day at my friend’s house after I’d done some chores around my house and then I fell asleep next to my love and woke up with him beside me.

It’s the little things like that I suppose, but I just feel so rested and so loved and so relaxed. It’s like that’s what weekends are for or something.

It gets so hard for me to shut my brain off, but yesterday it felt like I did. I did laundry, did some dishes, washed my sheets (one of my favorite things, mind you), bought myself a new Betsy Johnson backpack, got a birthday present for a friend, dusted, and I did all while smiling and feeling calm. Like I said, I’m so surprised by how happy and relaxed I am today! A Monday of all days!

Work has given me stuff to do, as well, to keep my hands busy enough for my mind to wander and it just wanders back to what a lovely day yesterday was which keeps me smiling and pleased.
I always wish I could be home with my love, all wrapped up in each other, but for now I can just daydream about it alongside how lovely Sunday was. That’s good enough for me.  

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Fight Night

Frustration can be almost as debilitating as a mental illness or a broken bone. In fact, it’s often associated with fierce times in one’s life.

As I become closer to my boyfriend and we’ve stayed together longer, the growing pains have begun to be felt. Where little things just build up into a frustrating pile of shit that you don’t want to acknowledge but is so hard to ignore.

It puts a strain on the relationship even if it’s just the external forces surrounding the relationship that are causing the frustration. More so, the refusal to talk about the problems hurts. My feelings are important. And it’s not my boyfriend’s refusal to talk, it’s my own.

I don’t want to acknowledge my problems, my illnesses, my qualms. Because of some ancient guilt complex, built into the very fiber of my being. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. I feel guilty for wanting attention and wanting to talk. I feel like I’m wasting breath and that eventually no one, including he, will care.

It’s a toxic thought process, but it’s mine.

So when I melted into a puddle of tears last night over Facetime, sobbing over every detail of the past two weeks, I couldn’t help but feel guilty. Feel guilty, because it felt good to cry and it felt good to complain and it felt good to get everything out there for him to take it or leave it.

And he took it. And then he told me he loved me. For the billionth time.

And it’s moments like last night, that convince me, that maybe – just maybe – this guy is gonna be it.

He’s the only one that always knows what to say and when he doesn’t have anything to say, that’s says everything.

No one really has a bad life. Not even a bad day. Just bad moments.”

-Regina Brett

What to Say

I’m not very happy with myself today, No One. I don’t feel like writing at all, but I haven’t been daily blogging everyday for three months to give up now cuz I’m having a bad day.

I love you and I hope you had a good day, my No One. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

-Hope xoxo

Cas-shake-head

Frustration on Too Many Levels

My No One, I’ve been feeling so entirely frustrated lately with just everything and everyone.

I’m frustrated with Bobby because I feel ignored by him a lot and I hate the fact that he makes me feel that way and at the same time he makes me love him and love being with him every second I can get.

I’m frustrated with school and how completely tedious it all is. All of these bull shit general ed classes are boring as fuck and I’m so beyond done with them and I just want to get into my major course work, but no. I have to deal with all of this bull shit.

I’m frustrated that I haven’t written a poem in weeks and that I have no sense of creativity hitting me any time soon because there’s nothing to stimulate my senses or inspire any form of creativity within me.

I’m frustrated with men because guess what? Mama wants a little loving and she ain’t getting any. I may be a demisexual, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have urges like any other person. I just feel them toward anyone unless I have that connection beforehand.

I’m frustrated with how stagnant my life feels. Hannah and I drove around our little town tonight and I honestly wanted to vomit while we drove past the miles upon miles of track housing. It’s creepy and eery how identical everything looks and how stripped of individuality nearly everyone is in this god forsaken town.

I’m frustrated and pissed off and tired of all of this epic bull shit, but I don’t know what to do about any of it.

-Hope xoxo

me though

Cinderella | A Movie Review

So let’s just start out with my overall rating of this movie; a solid 7 out of 10.

I was overall very pleased with this remake of one of my favorite Disney princesses and it didn’t receive higher marks not because it was awful in some areas, but because it was lacking in others. Let me explain what I mean by 7 out of 10.

To begin with, Cate Blanchet, the evil Step Mother, absolutely stole the entire movie. For the first time we receive some background, character development for her character and I loved the way my hatred for her grew as the movie progressed. Honestly, she was truly phenomenal. It was the fact that she stole the show and not the actress who played Cinderella that is a problematic point for me.

Don’t get me wrong, Lily James, did a splendid job and the script behind her was perfect, but there was nothing stupendous about her performance. She did a brilliant job of portraying such an iconically “perfect” princess, but in this remake I didn’t feel like there was enough contrast between the original view of the character (that is who we all know as Cinderella) and the remade version of her (this movie). I enjoyed her performance nonetheless and I think she is a marvelous actress, but I suppose I wish the new writers had given us another dimension of her character.

For example, in Maleficient, we truly liked Maleficient by the end in comparison to the original version where we hated her. I wish I could have been able to think about Cinderella a little more complexly afterwards like I was forced to in the case of Maleficient.

Continuing on, Richard Madden, or Prince Kit, was fantastic. He had such a cute, dorky smile on throughout the whole film that made it practically impossible not to fall in love with him too.

The script overall kept very true to the original plot, themes, and motifs and nicely integrated the iconic songs of Cinderella into the script without it becoming a musical. Again, nicely well done.

The special effects were insane. My mind was fucking blown during the transformation scene when Helena Bottom Carter (the fairy godmother) was granting all of Cinderella’s wishes. A beautiful scene with excellent editing, costuming, special effects, and lighting. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the exemplary scene take place that once transfixed my younger mind when I watched the cartoon.

Honestly, my No One, it was such a great film. If you get the chance, I highly recommend you go and see it, it isn’t just for kids.

-Hope xoxo

Doesn't he have the dorkiest of dorky smiles? :)

Doesn’t he have the dorkiest of dorky smiles? 🙂

Facials and Seeing Him

Saturday was definitely a great day.

I got a facial for the first time ever and it was AMAZING.

I saw one of my old theatre company’s performances of the Wizard of Oz, which was phenomenal.

I got to spend a lot of time with my dad in the afternoon.

Bobby got lib so he was down from base for the evening and I got to see him in the first time in a couple months and it was awesome.

I went to dinner with my family at a nice restaurant.

I came home and got tipsy, blasted Paloma Faith, and painted my nails bright green for Saint Patrick’s Day.

So yeah, it was a good day 🙂 I hope you had a fantastic Saturday, No One.

-Hope xoxo

me last night

me last night

Too Fucking Bad

I have this voice that typically remains in the back of my head that repeats this phrase whenever I get down.

“Too fucking bad.” 

But it rang loudly and consistently throughout today, forcing me to push on and make my tiring day worth it. When my alarm clock rang at what felt like 5 a.m. (actually 6 a.m. because of Daylight Savings) and I wanted to turn off my alarm and go back to sleep, it yelled –

“Too fucking bad, Fletcher, move it.” 

So I got up.

After my classes were done and my caffeine high was fading, I begrudgingly drove to work with it chiming into my thoughts.

“Yeah, I know I’m tired. But too fucking bad, you’re going.” 

After work when I realized that A was coming over in a half hour and I had to speed clean the house, I thought for half of a second just to ask her to reschedule.

“Nope, you made plans. Too fucking bad. Now get moving.” 

Honestly, it got to be annoying after a while. A constant, mental drill sergeant telling me that it didn’t give a shit and that I had to keep going.

But in the end, I did get everything done that I needed to get done and I actually had a good fucking day. So yeah, it’s too fucking bad that I had to get up early and go to school and go to work and rehearse with my best friend. What a tough life I live. Woe is me.

But at least I have my warm bed and my laptop and food in my stomach and a roof over my head.

I guess I’ll just have to tough it out.

-Hope xoxo

Here’s a funny video that I really think you need to watch XD

crying

Spending Money and Why I Hate Unfortunate Occurrences

Well, No One, I think I might have over done it.

I’ve spent way more money than I’d like to admit today. Sure I spent it all on really good things that I’ve wanted for perhaps a very long time, but still. Holy fuck I feel guilty. I don’t think I’ll be buying anything for the next week. Maybe Starbucks, if I’m a good girl.

I will admit it feels good to check things off of my “Monetary Wants” list that I’ve had for many months now.

Actual, physical list with five things checked off.

Actual, physical list with five things checked off.

But I did have some impulse purchases today and that’s what makes me upset. I hope I don’t do that again and that I can focus on checking things off of my list.

But I think the real reason I am really upset this evening is because of one of the things I’ve been trying to check off of my list. Buying poster frames for my Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 poster and my Paloma Faith poster.

I went to Michael’s and saw they were having a sale right in front on poster frames and I got so excited that they had poster frames in black (what I wanted) and that they were on sale, so I just grabbed them and bought them.

I then went and walked around the next store and thought about my previous purchase, realizing that I’d gotten the wrong size and that while the frame was black, it was wood painted black and all of my other black frames that I have at home are rounded, plastic in black. So I went back to Michael’s and returned the two frames from before and got the right frames which were also $20 less. Awesome right?

Not entirely. While they were $20 less, the cashier and I somehow got confused and she gave me a “return” card which is like a gift card, instead of giving the $20 back to me.

So I thought about it after I’d left and realized, well shit man I want my fucking $20. So after work and my lesson with my vocal coach, I went BACK to Michael’s and fixed things with one of the managers, which took a while, but in the end was worth it, because I got my $20 back (which I promptly went and spent at Guitar Center on a pair of really nice shakers for A’s and I’s band).

Flash forward to a half hour ago, and I just got home from a long day and I was like oh man! I got these awesome new frames and I still have a lot of energy let’s just put my posters in their frames! So I grab my Paloma poster and its frame. Release the frame from its plastic wrap and THUNK. The corner of the frame is broken.

So it looks like I’m going to have to go BACK to Michael’s a fourth fucking time to return the busted frame. Hopefully they’ll let me return it.

So you see, No One, it’s just been a series of regretful, unfortunate occurrences happening today and now I am very tired and frustrated. I think I’m going to go to bed. I love you very much, thanks for all of your love over my poem. Appreciate it ❤

-Hope xoxo

Upset and Proud For No Good Reason

While today has been just a fine day, in fact, it was awesome to be back at my “home” school, I’ve felt this underlying uneasiness and angry confusion coming from deep within. We’ll to get to where I think that comes from in a minute. I’ve felt extremely proud and mystified almost and I’ll explain why in a mo.

But first I want to say thank you to everyone who liked today’s poem from earlier. Thank you so much ThatsAweSam for giving me such a great idea and letting me just run with it. Your poem set a new record for me:

Screen Shot 2015-03-05 at 10.17.57 PM

So thank you very kindly, my new Internet friend.

Now onto why I am upset.

I think the root cause of it is I miss Bobby and C and A and E.

Although I talk to C almost everyday, I wish to just be in his presence again and feel his laugh touch my heart. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. A (C’s friend, not my band friend) has been so busy with his school and his girlfriend, so I can’t blame him for our lack of communication, but I just wish to hear from him.

E’s on vacation (her school has a spring break right now for reason) and I just want to call her, but I know she’s busy having fun in the sun making memories with her new college friends.

I think it’s Bobby who I am most distraught over. While yes we texted on Sunday, which was just fine and dandy, I just wish that I wasn’t the one reaching out to him all of the time and that for once he’d be the one to text me first and want to know about my day. I’m afraid that whenever I let myself love my friends, I feel like it’s a one sided thing and perhaps I’m just annoying them with my constant need for love, communication, and interaction. But honestly, it’s just these four, A, and my sister who I need this constancy from, no one else because I’m scared to be vulnerable to so many people.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense.

I just want to feel loved and secure in my friendships, to give love freely with those in whom I trust, and not feel like I’m the only one putting in any effort.

I just want a fucking phone call from any one of them. Is that too much to ask?


Sigh* In contrast, I am very proud of you and I today, No One. We’ve hit yet another milestone.

Screen Shot 2015-03-05 at 10.17.43 PM

I suppose these will be coming more and more frequently now that I post almost twice daily, but it’s always a nice reminder of how far we’ve actually come.

For perspective, the last time I got one of these little WordPress badges (100 posts) was back in November ( https://hafletcher9718.wordpress.com/2014/11/22/yet-another-milestone/ ). So yeah we’re doing pretty well for ourselves, my No One. And I really am quite proud of this little blog. Only two people from my normal life know about this little safe haven (and I did not give that knowledge away willingly, mind you) so that means that all of you beautiful people have just decided to follow me and listen to my pointless rants just because you find it interesting. And for that I am thankful and proud of us.

Y’all are the fucking bomb dot com.

-Hope xoxo

I also got this dope af necklace in the mail today and I won't take it off.

I also got this dope af necklace in the mail today and I won’t take it off.