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Fight Night

Frustration can be almost as debilitating as a mental illness or a broken bone. In fact, it’s often associated with fierce times in one’s life.

As I become closer to my boyfriend and we’ve stayed together longer, the growing pains have begun to be felt. Where little things just build up into a frustrating pile of shit that you don’t want to acknowledge but is so hard to ignore.

It puts a strain on the relationship even if it’s just the external forces surrounding the relationship that are causing the frustration. More so, the refusal to talk about the problems hurts. My feelings are important. And it’s not my boyfriend’s refusal to talk, it’s my own.

I don’t want to acknowledge my problems, my illnesses, my qualms. Because of some ancient guilt complex, built into the very fiber of my being. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. I feel guilty for wanting attention and wanting to talk. I feel like I’m wasting breath and that eventually no one, including he, will care.

It’s a toxic thought process, but it’s mine.

So when I melted into a puddle of tears last night over Facetime, sobbing over every detail of the past two weeks, I couldn’t help but feel guilty. Feel guilty, because it felt good to cry and it felt good to complain and it felt good to get everything out there for him to take it or leave it.

And he took it. And then he told me he loved me. For the billionth time.

And it’s moments like last night, that convince me, that maybe – just maybe – this guy is gonna be it.

He’s the only one that always knows what to say and when he doesn’t have anything to say, that’s says everything.

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Needy

I am perpetually needy. That person that needs constant affirmation and attention. Some might say it’s a problem of mine as far as my intimate relationships go, but I’m trying to see it not as a problem but one of capabilities instead.

I want to talk to my boyfriend as much as I can, not out of jealousy, but because I love hearing from him and I feel close to him when I see a text from him. Because some times we go days without seeing each other and it gets hard. We’ve been spoiled in that sense, the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other has been 5 days. But nonetheless, when I have to go without seeing him, I get needy. I have demands.

Text me when you get home.

I miss you, tell me about your day.

Baaaaaaabeeee love meeee

Are some of the frequent messages he gets from me.

How can I help it? He’s kind of my other half and I feel weak or unfeminist for saying that but it’s how I feel. I’m still a full person, but goddam does he make me feel alive and I love him for that and I want to talk him.

So I’m needy.

Distance is a bad excuse for not having a good relationship with somebody. It’s the determination to keep it going or let it fall by the wayside; that’s the real reason that the relationships continue.

-James McAvoy

I find that when you open the door toward openness and transparency, a lot of people will follow you through.”

-Kirsten Gillibrand

Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”

-Robert Holden

People are not in your life to fulfill your every need.”

-Lilly Singh

Being a Mentor.

Not to sound pretentious, but I love mentoring. I just mentor one of my closest friends that I made in high school, my VP when I was ASB President, and we have such a deep relationship outside of that leadership role relationship where I help her with the things that I struggled with just last year.

And I love it. It’s hard, trying to advise someone on how they should tackle different situations and deal with certain people, but it’s oddly therapeutic. It forces me to go back into the deep recesses of my mind and think about who I was, what I was doing, how I could have done things better, what would be the best thing for her in her situation, and so on. And that sort of deep reflection and contemplation of my past is refreshing to do. Lately, I’ve been so focused on the here and now (WHICH IS NOT A BAD THING AT ALL) that I think sometimes I forget about looking back on the past to look for guidance and to grow from my past experiences.

When I sit down to help out this friend, I feel like I’m helping myself too. Which is a beautiful thing to be able to do and I’m so lucky that she trusts me and appreciates my help as much as she does so much that I’ve been able to form this role in her life and develop into a loving and guiding person, something I might not have not been had it not been for her and our special friendship.

If you ever get the opportunity to help someone in the way that I’m talking about, then I highly recommend you leap at the chance. It’s both a tremendous honor and something that you will not regret.

-Hope xoxo

me and friend last year <3

me and friend last year ❤