Oh, No One. What trouble I’ve gotten myself into this time. I seem to have done something truly horrendous. I’ve fallen in love.
It’s awful I know.
It’s still weird for me to say it, let alone write out. But the fact remains.
It’s been a while since we’ve talked, my dear, yes, but I won’t bore you with the gross details of how it’s all come about. Not tonight.
Tonight, I wanted to tell you and to tell myself.
We all know that I’m an innately selfish creature, but with this particular one. This person. This human. I’m truly struggling with that facet of my personality.
There’s a fine line between selfishness required in a relationship and selflessness required in a relationship. Learning to understand how complex and different and needing of different things and not understanding other things my human is has been quite a challenge for me, someone who has in the past so desperately tried to separate the people in my life into the ones who are in it and the one who are not, and the people who I like and the people I don’t. Trying to understand someone AND love them past those points has been a struggle.
No, grander than a struggle. A vital battle that my own subconscious demanded I fight in.
You see, this human, is just so wonderful and beautiful and complex that my heart can’t bear to place him in a box. My soul craves understanding of his complexities even if doing so makes me second guess myself and stand back and observe my own insecurities.
You see, I think my selfishness is rooted in a place of doubt and insecurity in others who I’ve trusted in the past that have broken that trust. It’s a lot easier to shove someone in a box and never let their words touch you than to experience someone’s vulnerability and show them your own and let their words touch you in so many beautiful ways only to hope that their kindness never leaves.
Because that’s just it, my heart and soul want to fly and be free and live where I am no longer attached. Yet my brain and obsessive compulsive nature demand normalcy and regularity.
Balance is what my life needs to focus on right now. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reach a happy and comfortable place with my human until I – we – my brain and my heart – find that balance. Find that compromise and agreement to what I truly need from this life.
P.S. Do you see why I feel like I need to start blogging again?
There’s no man or woman. Just human, man.”
Know your own happiness. You want nothing but patience- or give it a more fascinating name, call it hope.”
-Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!”
-Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
You can kid the world, but not your sister.”
Sister. She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she’s the reason you wish you were an only child.”
I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It’s a crazy thing to do. It’s kinda like a socially acceptable insanity.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
When I dropped him, I shattered. Translation – no man has pleased me since, but I’d like to watch you try.”
The cars we drive say a lot about us.”