Endless Cycle of Suck

I think one of the greatest challenges I’ve had to endure so far this year is not my grades or keeping friends, y’know typical high school senior worries. No, individually all of those things don’t bother me all that much. I think my realest problem is that I get so stressed out because I simply have too many things going on. Before, I had my boyfriend, school, friends, my show, my music, my novel, etc etc. Now, I don’t have the boyfriend but I have greater friends that do require and deserve attention, school work that just piles up, making memories, and having fun, all while being a good daughter and girl that of course never lashes out or cries or has a bad day. Because that’s just uncharacteristic of me. And to change into someone who does let the stress get to her this late in the school year would just throw everyone for a loop and plainly not make sense. That isn’t how protagonists develop! I’m supposed to either grow or remain constant. And so a facade of constancy I have maintained.

And it’s too hard some days. To act happy, to be cheerful, to get every fucking thing done, to sing, to create. I honestly just want to stop and take a break, but like I said, I can’t. I can’t just get a moment to breathe, to relax, to take it all in, to spend time, to remember.

And that’s kind of fucked up isn’t it?

This is supposed to be the happiest fucking time of my life, and I’m too stressed out by trying to have so much fun, that I’m actually having fun.

It’s like I get somewhere and be like, “Great! This is great, I’m so happy to be here! Oh shit, better watch the clock, so I’m not late for the next thing!”

And it just goes on and on.

I’m not saying I’m a crazy partier or anything, there’s just a lot of events, rehearsal, days, and things I have to go and do because they’re supposed to be fun! And they are until I start thinking and stressing out all over again.

-Hope xoxo

Interesting Thoughts

People are intensely interesting to me. It’s amazing how much someone can change. Aand it’s disturbing how little someone can change. People’s common interests are somehow binding forces that start friendships and intimate relationships, but never the other way aroudn. Why wouldn’t you be more interested in someone who has completely different interests than you? You could gain so much more knowledge that way. Yet man continues to limit his own understanding of self and the world around him by confining himself to people who agree with only his beliefs, who know the same skills, who feel the same way.

It doesn’t make any sense.

Isn’t our purpose here to expand and grow? Wouldn’t a diverse company we keep aid us even more so in that endeavor? So tell me why Christians hang out with pretty solely Christians, writers converse mainly with other writers, diplomats debate with other diplomats?

How the fuck does that make any sense?

Frozen

For millennia, man has been convinced that whatever diety he believe in that somehow that god can and does communicate to them-through prophets, prayers, harvests, etc. I am no exception. Ever since my break up, I feel like the diety watching over me is just forcing the same three words into my mind and my heart.

“Let it go.”

No I haven’t been listening to too much Frozen for all you haters out there.

But I will say that that song has played at some of the oddest and most necessary moments recently.

That song, people on instagram, paraphrased versions of the Bible, etc etc.

I can’t help but notice it. I can’t help but think it all of the time. Cuz sometimes you just need to be reminded to let some shit go. I’m not one for grudge holding but I have been known to bottle up feelings and thoughts and I just can’t do that anymore. There are so many better things I could be doing rather than moping or crying so why not let it go? What is holding me back from letting him go?

Myself.

So God just tells me, let it go, Hope, only you can. No one else has the power to let me forget or forgive. Not even a god. Only I can.

So here I am. Letting go. I can’t keep reliving the past and thinking about someone or something that will not ever be in my life again. I refuse to give in. I refuse to give anymore of my precious time away to something that doesn’t matter to me anymore.

Let it fucking go.