In the silence of the moment is when I feel like I cry the most. The unavoidability of everything that’s been running through my head is suffocating and makes me realize how toxic a place my brain is. My thoughts processes swirl with anxiety and fear and wanting to feel anything but the angst and anger I feel towards myself.
I don’t know exactly where this mentality came from. I didn’t have a scarring childhood, nor did I have THAT many horrible experiences in my youth. But maybe that’s just it. It wasn’t ONE event that made me think in this horrible way, perhaps a culmination of tiny events that have shaped my view of the world and of myself.
You see, to me, if I let the horrible part of my thoughts take over, the world hates me and everyone in it is just lying to me, pretending they love me. And my evil side thinks that I’m just a desperate joke. Crying too much and running after love that I’ll never truly receive because really, who would ever actually love me.
It’s horrible right?
I need to start going back to therapy. I had to stop at the end of the school year because I was going through my school for free therapy. My therapist recommended some new people I could go see, but there’s a whole fear in that. What if I don’t click with this person like I did with my previous therapist? What if they DO think I’m crazy and need more help? Etc, etc, etc.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t like this, but I at least want to fight it. I just don’t know how. It’s honestly a struggle to have your brain at war with itself and pretend like everything is okay. But here I am, trying to be okay.
Yep, it’s that time of the college school year when I have to go drop a couple hundred dollars on books that I won’t need to read.
It’s one of my least favorite things I have to do and I don’t even pay for my textbooks! My parents gladly pay for my college education and that includes the materials required, but goddamit do I feel bad on days like today when I take my dad to school with me and he looses over two hundred dollars in the process. It’s hardly fair and quite honestly it’s ridiculous the amount of money that he has to pay for some paper and binding. But it’s college and this is what he wants me to be doing and it’s what I want to be doing, so we don’t really have a choice do we?
On a completely different note, lately my self confidence in my appearance has grown tremendously. Perhaps it’s because of all of those late night sessions helping my sister through her problems that have helped to decrease the effect my problems have on myself (at least the little ones like how I look).
What I’m trying to say is these past three days, I have looked fucking great. It’s not even that I think I look hot, I just feel like a queen and boy am I ready to slay some bitches.