In the silence of the moment is when I feel like I cry the most. The unavoidability of everything that’s been running through my head is suffocating and makes me realize how toxic a place my brain is. My thoughts processes swirl with anxiety and fear and wanting to feel anything but the angst and anger I feel towards myself.
I don’t know exactly where this mentality came from. I didn’t have a scarring childhood, nor did I have THAT many horrible experiences in my youth. But maybe that’s just it. It wasn’t ONE event that made me think in this horrible way, perhaps a culmination of tiny events that have shaped my view of the world and of myself.
You see, to me, if I let the horrible part of my thoughts take over, the world hates me and everyone in it is just lying to me, pretending they love me. And my evil side thinks that I’m just a desperate joke. Crying too much and running after love that I’ll never truly receive because really, who would ever actually love me.
It’s horrible right?
I need to start going back to therapy. I had to stop at the end of the school year because I was going through my school for free therapy. My therapist recommended some new people I could go see, but there’s a whole fear in that. What if I don’t click with this person like I did with my previous therapist? What if they DO think I’m crazy and need more help? Etc, etc, etc.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t like this, but I at least want to fight it. I just don’t know how. It’s honestly a struggle to have your brain at war with itself and pretend like everything is okay. But here I am, trying to be okay.